Ellia Communications Blog

What a blast I just had making a video on Animoto (www.animoto.com).

Here’s my video of Happiness is…

Make a free video of your own today – it’ll make you happy!

Kathy

As a career and life coach for women, it’s not often these days that I’m surprised by women’s behavior. I know women – especially midlife ones – quite well, or so I thought.    But I must say, I’ve been rocked recently by a potential finding that’s emerging as I conduct my research study on Women Succeeding Abundantly. 

About the study, I’m conducting a qualitative research study with over 100 working women across the country, ages 25 to 75, who are experiencing abundant success on their terms, and are thriving and living joyfully.

Here’s the official description of the study:

This qualitative, in-depth study focuses on women who consider themselves highly successful in life and work, and have advice and lessons to share with other women about achieving success, fulfillment, and well-being and living with a sense of passion, power, and purpose.

The target audience resonates with the statement: “I know what I want in life and work, and I am achieving it on my terms and with great success.” 

The results of the study will be dedicated to expanding our understanding of the specific choices, actions, behaviors and thinking that help women across all generations achieve abundant success. A trade book and a variety of education and coaching programs will be among the offerings.

(If you’re interested in learning more or participating, please let me know!)

So here’s the thing – I’m getting the inkling as I move forward that women are MUCH more comfortable talking about how things are not what they want in their lives, than they are sharing about their successes.  They just don’t want to come forward and admit, “Hey, I’m really successful!”

A great new colleague of mine – Viviana Sutton of Work Her Way – shared with me that when Shirley MacLaine won her Oscar in 1984 for her role in “Terms of Endearment,” in her acceptance speech she was certainly grateful, but also said “Thanks, I deserved this!” 

I checked it out on YouTube, and loved it! (here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqSEH_bVRz8)

Nuggets of Shirley’s speech…

“I don’t believe there are such things as accidents.  I think that we all manifest what we want and what we need.  I don’t think there’s a difference really between what you feel you have to do in your heart, and success – they’re inseparable…Films and life are like clay waiting for us to mold it, and when you trust your own insides and that becomes achievement, it’s a kind of principle it seems to me is at work with everyone…God bless that potential that we all have for making anything possible if we think we deserve it.  I deserve this.  Thank you!”

From that sentiment of her feeling of deservedness (which I think she offered a bit tongue in cheek), there was great backlash – in other words, people thought “How dare she say she deserves to win!”

Wow…I guess we better not even whisper that we’ve earned our great success and that it’s deserved – that’s simply not acceptable, particularly for women.

What I do know is that hundreds of women contacted me when I was researching my first book Breakdown, Breakthrough about their professional crisis and breakdown.  They longed to share their stories of challenge and turmoil.  It was healing for most to come clean about how things weren’t working, and talk about how they overcame or handled their crisis.    And I’m thrilled that they did – I know from direct experience that telling our stories of challenge can heal our lives (turning our mess into a message is a cathartic experience). 

But what about talking about our successes?  Can’t this be strengthening and empowering as well?  Can’t we access important parts of ourselves and be inspirational to others in the telling of our success stories, just in the same way as telling our tales of woe?

I’m thinking – but I’d love your help here — that this reluctance in women to talk about their success may have a number of contributing factors, including perhaps that women:

1) Don’t recognize or “feel it” when they are successful

2) Don’t want to sound as if they’re bragging

3) Have as a top priority their sense of connection and relationship to others, and don’t want to alienate anyone who isn’t feeling successful

4) Don’t want others to envy them

5) Don’t want to jinx their success by speaking openly of it

6) Don’t want to sound like they are “more deserving” than anyone else

7) Aren’t sure they really measure up to some outside standard of “great success” (“Wait a minute, am I really that successful?”)

The women who have come forward to tell their stories of great success in my research study so far are courageous indeed – I’m so grateful to them!  Their stories have been anything but conventional – they’ve been about vulnerability, surprise, risk, heartbreak, practicality, ingenuity, and being a “finisher” – going the distance through the challenges and fear.

So help me solve this mystery, would you?  Here’s my informal poll below – I’d LOVE your comments:

Kathy’s “Abundant Success” Poll:

1. Are you:

Male

Female

2. How successful do you feel in your life overall:

(  ) Very

(  ) Somewhat

(  ) Not at All

Why?__________________________

3. If you feel “very” successful, how likely would be to talk about that to:

Your family                   Very     Somewhat         Not At All

Your friends                  Very     Somewhat         Not at All

Your colleagues           Very     Somewhat         Not At All

A researcher (like me)    Very     Somewhat         Not At All

4. What might hold you back from discussing your abundant success?

 Thanks for sharing!!

 My mission in my work has just shifted this very minute while writing this – it’s now about helping women claim out loud their great success – to help them get over their reluctance to speak about it openly and enthusiastically, and to teach other women how to openly embrace the beauty, joy and fulfillment of abundant success. 

In the words of Shirley MacLaine – you deserve it!

I follow slews of fascinating people through their blogs and Tweets, and today I read a compelling blog post written by Scott Stratten who runs his company, Unmarketing.   I simply love what this guy has to say!  I find his ideas and posts so interesting, authentic, funny, insightful and just plain old great.

Here’s his latest blog about What If I Didn’t Use Twitter:

http://www.un-marketing.com/blog/2010/02/22/what-if-i-didnt-use-twitter

I was moved to write a comment on his post, which is here:

Scott – I love your description of what you’ve learned and received from Twitter.  My guess is that you’re the kind of person who gets enormous benefits out of anything you dive into.  But that being said, there’s something about the Twitter experience that helps you stretch into wild new territories that you’ve been deeply longing for, but didn’t even know it!  It’s so damn powerful – to connect with thousands of people, to use your voice in new ways, to put your one-of-a-kind ideas out there, to develop a tough-enough skin so that you can shrug off the occasional snarkiness of others, and to feel the love and support of one-time strangers who become dear friends.  Love your work, Scott!

When people ask me “Do I really need to use Twitter,” I have so much to say about it that I don’t know where to begin.  So I’ll begin here…

Who Gets the Most Out of Twitter? 

People who:

1) Have something of interest to say

2) Don’t care to just blather on about the everyday minutiae of their lives (most people’s lives are boring – let’s face it!)

3) Enjoy giving as much as they do receiving

4) Have a generous, kind spirit and can support others’ thinking and work

5) Understand that using Twitter effectively is about building relationships and is not a “get rich quick” scam

6) Get the fact that what you put into something directly correlates with what you get out of it

7) Don’t use it as a way of talking about how great they are, and how they can make you rich

8 ) Do use it as a way to become better, bigger, smarter, funnier, more helpful  – more of who you really are at your core

So, if you’re wondering what you can get out of using Twitter, I’d say this:

With an attitude of openness, curiosity, commitment, and generosity, you can get:

-  New friends

-  New ideas for books, writing, projects, seminars, talks, etc.

-  New interests and passions

-  New customers and supporters

-  New ways to see yourself and your life and work

-  New coping skills for when strangers write you and say your ideas stink

-  New like-minded colleagues to partner with

-  New directions to pursue that light you up

-  New ways to make money

-  New, helpful insights about yourself – what you’re great at and what you’re not so great at

It occurred to me that what Twitter has brought us might have some parallels to when television first emerged on the scene –  it opens up a fascinating new avenue through which you can connect to a whole new world of ideas, feelings, perspectives, teachings, directions, along with passionate, inspiring people who have so much to share and give.  That is, if you’re selective about what you choose to focus on.

So have at it, friends!  And as Scott Stratten says, I LIVE for comments, so please leave yours.

Someone (I can’t remember who unfortunately) recently shared with me the saying, “Turn your mess into a message.” 

I simply love that – perhaps because without realizing it, I’ve been doing that for a full eight and a half years since 9/11, and since I woke up and decided to transform my (messy) life and career.  I had, and still have, a good deal of mess to transform into messages!

This week, I had a powerful shifting realization, thanks again to my dear friend and financial consultant Denise Hughes, that one of my most intractable “messes” is around my resistance to “ease.”  Ease is not something that has been a part of my professional identity or life.  In my twenty-seven years as a contributive professional, there’s been nothing easy about it. 

Sure, I’ve achieved things I’m very proud of and excited about, and I’ve met many of my large goals.  But still – I can’t say that any of it came “easily.”  No way, no how.

This week, as I was exploring the idea of ease and why I resist it so fiercely, I had a very painful memory flash.  It was of my early teen life.  I recalled clearly how someone close to me used to say to me (and to everyone else) in a very critical and hateful tone, “Everything comes so easily to Kathy.”  This person used to brandish those words like a weapon, as if it were a terrible thing to have an easy life, and that it simply wasn’t fair, because her life was hard.  The implication was that God shined his light on me, and cruelly bypassed her, leaving her thwarted and miserable. 

As I tossed that memory around in my mind, I experienced the real ‘aha’- I realized that all these years – my whole 49 years on this planet — I’ve internalized the belief that if things come easily to me, then I don’t deserve them.  Wow…

Believing I’m not deserving of ease has two damaging aspects –  first, deep down, it tricks me into believing that I don’t deserve all the good that I’ve created or attracted, and 2) it traps me in a fearful place, worried that others will judge me negatively, hold me apart from themselves, be envious of me, and think I am not worthy of what I have.

Well…I can tell you that as of this minute, I’m DONE with my resistance to ease.  Done, gone, finished.  I’m shifting it consciously.  Be gone!

Here’s what my spirit knows to be true – When things come easily, it means you are in the flow – of life, of yourself, of your soul and spirit.  It’s not a bad thing that things come easily to you.  It’s supposed to be easy.  When you have ease, it means that you have consciously and completely given up your resistance to ease, and your attachment to struggle.

Each day, I receive an inspirational email message from a neat group – Mike Dooley’s TUT Adventurers Club – and recently got this message worth savoring and embracing:

“Kathy, it’s supposed to be easy.  Everything is supposed to be easy.  Everything is easy.  You live in a dream world. You’re surrounded by illusions, and the illusions change when you change your thinking!

Tell yourself it’s easy.  Tell yourself often.  Make it a mantra.  Eat, sleep, and breathe it.  And your life shall be transformed.

It’s supposed to be easy.”

(From Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe)

I’d add this – if ease is not your experience, there’s most likely something blocking you from believing you deserve or want ease.  Please take the time this week to dig deep and explore what might be keeping you from believing you can and will have ease from this moment forward, and that having ease is what you deserve.  You are strong enough to have ease, and to handle the envy of others who don’t. 

Ease is beautiful, perfect, and as it should be, for you and for me.  Let’s allow it into our lives, together, now.

Knowing what you want in your life and career is the most important step to achieving it.  So what do you want – a job or a “calling,” and are you prepared to get it?

In coaching people to achieve a true breakthrough in their lives and careers, I’ve observed (and also personally experienced) the powerful impact of asking yourself the question, “Am I longing for a job or a calling?” – and answering it with brutal honestly.

Several months ago, I read a very thought-provoking article by Michael Lewis, columnist for Bloomberg News, about the difference between a “calling” and a job.  He had some powerful insights about the differences. 

Here’s the article (it’s certainly worth a read, especially in today’s times):

A Wall Street Job Can’t Match a Calling in Life

What struck me most were two intriguing concepts:

“There’s a direct relationship between risk and reward. A fantastically rewarding career usually requires you to take fantastic risks.”

and

“A calling is an activity you find so compelling that you wind up organizing your entire self around it — often to the detriment of your life outside of it.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Many people dream of having a fantastic and thrilling career, but in essential ways are not willing to do the work (either externally or internally) to achieve it. 

What is required then?  Here’s a list of traits and characteristics that are essential to having a fantastically reward career (or following a calling):

-  Deep and ongoing commitment (this is not about wanting – this is about committing to having)

-  A wellspring of energy

-  Frequent and continual leaps of faith and hope

-  Self-esteem and the confidence to know that your dream is achievable

-   Openness to learn from your mistakes and to get help when needed

-   A healthy dose of reality about what’s necessary to succeed on this path

-   Abundant risk-acceptance and tolerance, and the ability to proceed amidst instability

-   The belief that you can’t live without pursuing this career

-   A very tough skin

-   An ability to “power up” (gain strength, skill, confidence, and self-mastery) as you expand

-   And finally, strong boundaries that allow you to speak up for yourself and protect yourself from others who would say, “You’re crazy and stupid to do this.”

I agree with Michael that neither a job or a calling is better or worse; they’re just different.  “There are costs and benefits to both.”  You may have a job you enjoy (or can live with) yet know that what makes you feel passionate and powerful is not your job, but outside interests and experiences. 

Or you may feel you have a calling, and will do anything to follow it.

The key to a fulfilling life is to follow your authentic path (not somebody else’s).  Figure out what that lights you up on the inside, and motivates you to be all you can be, and do it!

Michael’s final words hit the mark – the critical question is not what the world can give you, but what you can contribute to the world, in a way that fills your soul and brings you great joy while doing it.

So ask yourself today:

1)  Am I longing for a job or a calling?   Which path will work best for me and my life?

2)  If I know I have a calling, am I ready to do what it takes to pursue it?

3)  And where will I get empowering guidance, support, and help to follow my calling successfully so I thrive in the process (rather than be crushed by it)?

Either way, having a great job or following a calling is a choice.  But making this choice consciously — with commitment and aligned action — is the difference between a frustrating, lack-luster experience that fails to satisfy, versus living full out – and expressing your true spirit each step of the way.

Happy National Speak Up and Succeed Day!  (Thanks, Diane DiResta, for reminding me!)

As I do the work I do each day – giving seminars to women’s groups or connecting with new colleagues to partner with, working with my support team or communicating with my clients – I’ve begun to notice something quite interesting about the way people work.

There are two fundamental ways in which people attempt to expand themselves in the world.

These two ways are:

Collaborating with others in a respectful and empowering way, to help each other be all you both wish to be

Or

Attempting to crush out the competition through snarky, denigrating, and low-spirited tactics

Which approach are you engaged in?

The first approach encourages you to:

• Feel good in your interactions
• Expand your skills and know-how
• Experience yourself as purposeful and beneficial in your interchanges
• Learn more about how to do what you love to do and how you’re special
• Discover new skills and endeavors you’re capable of
• Grow faster and more effectively through positive synergy

 The second approach encourages you to:

• Feel lousy and critical about your interactions
• Constrict your thinking about what you’re capable of
• Mistake yourself as someone who is higher and more important in the hierarchy
• Believe that there simply isn’t enough to go around
• Remain stuck in the jealous, insecure “Am I good enough?” mode
• Move slower, with less success, ease, and fulfillment

 In short, collaboration allows you to Say Yes! to yourself, to others and to expanding yourself to what you truly long to do.  Fearful competition keeps you stuck in the constricting, “NO” mode.

How can you tell cut-throat competition when you see it?

Here are some key hallmarks:

1) Language and action that indicates, “I’m smarter, better, richer, more successful than you.”

2) Over-selling – making a point over and over again so that the receiver ends up saying “OK already!”

3) Deep insecurity about being challenged or receiving constructive feedback

4) A lack of receptivity, compassion, and openness to learning from and being with others

5) An energy of “take, take, take” without giving back

6) A haughty or superior energy/attitude that says, “I’m father along the path than you, and you’ll have to learn the hard way, like I did.”

Be mindful about whom you choose to associate with in the world and how you go about getting what you want.  The “how” of your approach is more impactful than specific tactics you use.  Overall, if your colleagues, partners, and friends are individuals who make you and others feel great about themselves in an authentic and enlivening way, then they’re on the right track, and so are you.

On the other hand, if you, your associates or friends are stuck in the diminishing, competitive “there’s not enough to go around, and I’m getting my piece!” mode, it’s time for a breakthrough to a collaborative spirit. Without it, the path you’re headed down will most certainly take you where you don’t want to go.

Happy New Year, Friends!  Hope your holidays were beautiful.

As we’re on to a new year and decade, there have been skillions of articles and blogs published about how to create what you want in this new chapter of our lives.

I like to be a contrarian, and offer up ideas in opposition to the norm, to get us thinking.  Towards that end, here’s one:

Let’s NOT create New Year’s Resolutions this year.

I’m not a fan of resolutions.  It seems that “resolutions” are somehow associated with failure…the things we say we are going to do, but in the end, don’t achieve, because we lack the commitment, energy, drive, or wherewithal to complete them.

Let’s not make resolutions this year.  Let’s do something different.  Let’s designate “areas of intensive focus” and watch what emerges as the year unfolds. 

Here’s my plan:

I’ve written down four outcomes that are very important to me – areas or experiences that I have now but want more of in my life — that I intend to focus on going forward. 

To me, focus is everything. If we can determine in some detail what we want to create, understand and validate why we want to create it, then look intently for new opportunities and possibilities around that particular goal or outcome, success happens (or at least we progress towards it in a much easier, fun, and fulfilling way than would otherwise occur). 

Wonderful occurrences and synchronicities that we simply couldn’t expect or predict fall into our experience, as we focus intently on our desired outcomes.  New doors open, new friends and supporters make themselves known, new lessons learned, new paths revealed.  If we don’t focus intently on what we want to create, we miss so many chances for moving forward on the path we long for.

Here’s what my “intensive focus” areas for 2010 look like:

Focus Area #1:

What Do I Want More Of?

Creating high-demand national seminars, products, and training programs that give women the tools they long for to transform their challenges into breakthrough to a new level of great success. 

Why Do I Want It?

Because these programs will help teach women how to manage and shape their lives successfully on their own terms, and be great fun and reward for me to share and participate in this learning and teaching process. 

Focus Area #2:

What Do I Want More Of?

Attracting coaching and consulting clients whom I LOVE to work with and who love to work with me.

Why Do I Want It?

Because coaching groups and one-on-one with folks who resonate with me energetically and in their thinking and behavior, is great joy to me, and allows me to interact in deeply personal ways to help people make the changes they long for.

Focus Area #3:

What Do I Want More Of?

Learning as much as I can (then sharing back that wisdom) about what contributes to abundant success – personal, professional, financial, and spiritual – in the lives of women across all generations.

Why Do I Want It?

I love to research human behavior and thinking, then develop my own personalized “model for change.”  Researching abundant success represents the next level for me – it will teach me lessons I’m yearning to learn, and also help others who’ve had an initial transformative breakthrough, but now want more.

Focus Area #4:

What Do I Want More Of?

To treasure and appreciate and receive deeply — in every cell of my body — all the bountiful blessings in my life now and those blessings that are forthcoming.  My blessing list is long, and includes my precious children, husband, health, parents, family, friends, work, creative endeavors, and the list goes on.

Why Do I Want It

I’m not so hot at receiving.  It’s an area I definitely want to grow in.  When I am in the place of full-on receiving, it feels absolutely fantastic physically and emotionally, and the effects are long-lasting and delicious.  I’m ready for more receiving! (Thanks to my new financial consultant and colleague, Denise Hughes, for facilitating that powerful revelation).

That’s it for me.  Out with the resolutions, and in with some intensive focus on what I love in my life, and what I’d love to create more bountifully this year. 

So how about you?  Will you do the above exercise for your 2010?  What would you like to focus on creating this year, and why? 

Let’s skip the resolutions, and replace them with a validation of your heartfelt longings, and your clear-sighted focus on what you’re passionate about, and what you want more of this year.

This is YOUR year.

Wishing you and yours a beautiful holiday, and a new year full of peace, joy, and prosperity.

Here’s a little musical gift from my husband, jazz percussionist Arthur Lipner (on vibes), and me (on vocals).

Click here to listen:

Arthur Lipner/Kathy Caprino – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Enjoy the season!

Kathy

As I’m sure you have, I’ve been receiving skillions of “Happy Holidays and New Year!” newsletters and emails, many of which are beautiful and touching.  I’m grateful for these lovely reminders and chances to reflect on this past year, and what my hopes and dreams are for 2010.

I’ve decided not to send a “Happy Holidays” email, but instead, to write to you here, and thank you for being a part of my cherished community.  It’s quite a blessing – to blog regularly and to receive fascinating, diverse, often passionate comments from steadfast readers who follow your words and thoughts, and care enough to share their insights.  It’s a privilege, and I’m most grateful for it.

This season carries with it beautiful childhood memories for me – of fuzzy, fat Christmas tree lights, of smooth skating on frozen ponds (I grew up in upstate NY after all!), of the splendor of snow falling lightly on trees, of out-of-tune caroling with young friends around the neighborhood, and of family basking by a fire dancing with multicolored flecks (created by a ”magic” powder my dad would throw in!).  When we have these warm and comforting childhood memories, they color our experiences well into the future, giving us rose-tinted recollections to savor for many years.

For me, this is a beautiful season.  No matter what challenges have come before, this season softens the rough edges and rounds out the year with celebration, family, reflection, and gratitude.

I hope this season — that brings to a close such a deeply challenging and humbling year — has been beautiful for you too. 

May your 2010 be what you dream it to be — as expansive and glorious a vision as you can hold.

Happy holidays to you.

Friday night, my husband Arthur Lipner held a screening of the first-cut of new upcoming documentary, called Talking Sticks, to an enthusiastic and appreciative crowd in Wilton, CT.  It was quite a wild night, complete with Brazilian and African food, dance, and percussion.

The film is about Arthur’s journey to find and express himself through his “talking sticks” (he’s a jazz percussionist playing marimba and vibes – instruments that aren’t well known in the U.S.).  It also reveals some stunning lessons he’s learned about life, culture, art, personal connection and creativity, through his amazing world travels and experiences in places such as Ghana, Rio, Mexico, and Norway.

One key message of the film is that each of us has creative gifts and abilities that are waiting to be shared.  Many of us display these gifts throughout our childhood, but then life takes over, and we let our gifts go underground and we simply stop focusing on them, much to our sadness and regret later in life.

Much of my coaching and seminar work with clients today – many of whom are highly “successful” in the business world – is around discovering the answers to these vital questions:

-          Who am I uniquely in the world?

-          What makes me special, happy, fulfilled?

-          What would bring me “knock-your-socks-off” joy?

It’s amazing how infrequently the majority of folks I meet with know the answers to these questions.   I’d love to do a study of American cultural evolution, and understand more clearly why so many of us in the U.S. have lost the connection to our special creativity – to expressing ourselves authentically, uniquely and powerfully – in ways that make us know and remember why we’re on the planet.  It’s not like this in other countries – America is somehow very different in this respect.

If you used your creative gifts as a child, and miss them in your life as it is, I implore you to bring your creativity forward again.  It doesn’t require a major life reinvention…it requires focus, commitment, and an “I can do this!” mentality.  You CAN fit creativity in your life – and when you do, your life will change for the better.

Despite your skepticism about your abilities, I know this to be true – every person on this planet IS creative.  Bernard Woma – a renowned master of the Ghanaian xylophone and leading music educator from the Dagara Tribe in Ghana, who’s featured in Talking Sticks – told me last night that when a child says to him, “I want to dance, but I’m embarrassed – I’m not a good dancer,” Bernard replies, “Bad dancing will never hurt the ground.  The ground will not complain!”

How beautiful is that?…

A key question I’d love to encourage you to think about is this: “Do you care enough about yourself and others to share your creative gifts?”

Coaching question of the week: What are the creative gifts you used to LOVE expressing?  What latent creative talent is inside you, waiting to burst forth.  Creativity is there inside of you, I know it!

Please make 2010 the year that you say YES! to your special brand of creativity.  The world wants and needs it.