1. Catch your negative thoughts

The first step is to become aware of your self-talk by playing "psychological detective." We need to "catch" our unrealistic and negative thoughts. You do this by noticing when you are feeling worried, scared or nervous, and write down the worried thought that is causing you to feel this way.

Some of the frequent thoughts that pop in our head are "automatic thoughts". The more we hear them, the more we believe them, and the more we look for evidence to prove them. These kinds of thoughts usually contain "thinking errors."

Some common thinking errors are:

- Magnifying the negative: Negative events are magnified and blown up all out of proportion.

- Positive doesn't count: Anything positive is dismissed as unimportant or else discredited.

- All or nothing thinking: Everything is seen in all or nothing terms. There is not anything in between.

- Snowballing: A single event or upset snowballs and quickly grows into a never-ending pattern of defeat.

- The mind reader: Thinking that we know what everyone else is thinking, and it is usually bad.

- The fortuneteller: Believing that we can predict what will happen in the future.

- Emotional reasoning: Our emotions become very strong and cloud the way we think and see. If you feel sad and down, you assume that everyone else does is too.

- Dustbin labels: You attach a label to yourself and think of everything you do in these terms i.e. "I'm just a loser."

- Setting yourself up to fail: This is the error we make in setting our standards and expectations for ourselves too high.

These thoughts start with "I should," "I must", "I cant" and " I shouldn't"

- Blame: We feel responsible for the negative things that happen, even though at times we have no control over them.

2. Find the facts to squash the fears

Next gather as much evidence as possible about the worried thought, to provide a game plan for dealing with your fears. Again, this is like playing detective and will help you work out what to do if the thing you are afraid of really happens (most likely it won't).

The best type of evidence is:

a. Have you been in this situation before? If so, what happened? How did you handle it? Does something bad happen every time you are in the situation? If not, what turns it around?

b. What else could occur in this situation? Is there another more positive explanation and potential outcome?

c. Judge the accuracy of the fears based on the facts
The question to ask yourself is, "Based on the evidence, what do I really think will happen?" Part of this step is also "perspective taking." I have clients think about the total number of times they have been in a similar situation. Out of that total number, how many times have they succeeded and how many times have they had challenges. Most people find that they have succeeded well over 80% of the time. Chances are, success will repeat itself!

3. Relaxation and Meditation

Teaching yourself how to relax the body's muscle system allows you to take active control over stopping the escalation of physical symptoms. This gives you voluntary control over what feels like an involuntary state of anxiety.

The simplest approaches to relaxation involve learning deep breathing techniques while making coping statements. Sometimes people like to visualize pleasant, calming, relaxing scenes when they feel tense. Progressive muscle relaxation involves relaxing the major muscle groups in the body. For me, I find rigorous exercise (horseback riding) provides me with time out of myself, while generating those feel good endorphins! Try something new that fits your lifestyle and your passions, and provides a needed outlet for relaxation.

4. Spiritual Reconnection

By increasing your contact with a power greater than yourself, you can gain comfort and support. This can be done through many different means - choose one that works for you, including a simple daily meditation (for a great list of resources, please contact me), taking a walk in nature, attending church or temple, or connecting with spiritual books and ideas.

Despite the challenges anxiety can represent in our lives, remember:

Anxiety is not fatal and can be lived through Anxiety is transient and passes One small change can make a big difference You can significantly reduce your experience of anxiety.

Take this time now to find a way to increase your sense of calm and relaxation. It can change your life.

Janneta K. Bohlander is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 10 years of focused experience working with individuals, couples and families. Her specialty is helping children deal with anxiety, attention, developmental, learning, attachment and emotional issues, including Non Verbal Learning Disabilities (NLD) and Asperger's syndrome. She has provided individual therapy for children as young as four years old.

For her adult clients, Janneta provides therapy for issues ranging from anxiety, depression and relationship issues as well as the challenges of building a family through the adoption of a child, including international or multi-cultural adoptions.

As the mother of two girls born in China, she offers special insight into the international adoption process, including the attachment, grief and identity issues that can occur in multi-cultural adoption. In 2006, she completed the post-graduate Certificate Program in Adoption at Rutgers University.

For more information, please see:
www.jbohlander.com or write: jbohlander@jbohlander.com