Posts Tagged ‘Careers’

5 Top Mistakes to Avoid in Your Career Reinvention

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

After spending nine years reinventing myself from a miserable and chronically ill corporate VP to women’s career and executive coach, marketing consultant, author, speaker and women’s work-life expert, I’ve made a good number of huge mistakes and missteps that have tripped me up, and at times, caused me to hang my head in my hands in despair.  I consciously avoid spending time in regret, but these mistakes were gruelling.  Yet I do believe that each and every one of these lessons has made me stronger, more expansive, more connected to who I really am, and ultimately more confident in my abilities to direct my life with satisfaction and joy. 

To help others learn from my mistakes, I’ve launched a new social media series called My 52 Mistakes, to share my top mistakes in life and work, and help others bypass the major pitfalls I encountered.  Here’s my list of my top 52.  Check it out and share your lessons!!

Here are the top five mistakes to avoid when in career transition and embarking on professional reinvention.  I’ve lived through these mistakes myself, and am stronger for it…but you don’t have to!

Mistake #1:

Don’t have a “build it and they will come” mentality without utilizing powerful financial, professional, and business-building tactics and strategies

Don’t make the mistake of confusing wishful thinking with powerful strategies for moving forward.  Certainly, faith and optimism are essential, but so are sound business and professional goals, plans and tactics, developed with deep know-how and expertise (your own or a great consulting partner), fueled by conscious intention and fierce commitment.  There are 5 “M’s” required for entrepreneurial success – ignore these at your peril.

 Mistake #2:

Don’t underestimate how long it will take you to build a successful new career

Leave your ego at the door when you’re evaluating how long reinvention will take.  Get advice from true experts in the field on the amount of time it will take to launch your new career, and make it successful and earn you a good living (that’s what you want, after all, isn’t it?).  It’s been said that becoming an expert in a field takes 10 years (I believe that’s true), and creating a self-sustaining small business or consulting practice often takes at least five years.

Mistake #3:

Don’t neglect having a Plan B, and moving to it when it’s time

In my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, I talk about what it takes to reinvent yourself.  Often it requires that you simply refuse to let in (mentally, emotionally, or spiritually) the possibility that you will fail (see Chapter 11 about the amazing comedian Monique Marvez’s journey to hell and back).  If you want something badly enough, most likely you’ll find a way to get it.  However, if you have a family to support, and other critical financial and other obligations that you feel you must fulfill in life, then you need a Plan B that will get you through the tough financial times.  Use Plan B to help you stay afloat while all along moving forward to your career dreams.

Mistake #4

Don’t wait too long to correct your course when you misstep or discover steps on your new path that are wrong for you

Set milestones (“I will achieve this by this date,” etc.), and review your progess frequently – quarterly at the least.   If you’re way off course, you need to course-correct.  Also, if where you’re going ends up feeling wrong, don’t keep going in the same direction.  Don’t make yourself “wrong” for how you feel.   Realize a change is necessary, and power up to make that change, and don’t wait until disaster strikes to make the correction.

Mistake #5

Don’t forget: A fantastic life takes fantastic risks

There’s an enormous difference between a “job” and a “calling.”  Neither is better or worse – it simply depends on what you want for your life, based on your values and priorities.  If it’s a calling you’ve be given to follow (a calling is not a voluntary pursuit, I’ve found), know now that it will require everything you’ve got to give, and then some.  Please don’t expect a fantastic life without understanding that you must risk a great deal to live your life on the cutting edge of experience.

 Other lessons I’ve learned through my nine-year reinvention:

1.There will be times (many, in fact) that you have no idea what to do, and despite all your efforts, you fail at the task at hand
2. If you don’t remain “teachable” at all times, you’ll suffer
3. If you think you’re immune (to anything – the economy, challenges in the workplace, problems in building your business to a satisfactory level), you’re wrong
4. When you lose your compassion for others who are challenged in their reinvention or in their efforts to launch themselves successfully, you’ll suddenly experience something that brings you back to humility
5. You’ll need faith, patience, and perseverance in greater supply than you ever thought possible
6. It’s not all up to you – things happen outside your sphere of influence that can shift your course
7. Reaching out for help is essential when you’re not where you want to be
8. Being part of a like-minded community that offers support, guidance, and encouragement is a blessing and a good business strategy
9. Career reinventing is a life-long process (not a one-time deal), and once you embark on it, it changes you forever.  It’s a process that leads you to feel so appreciative of all that you are – flaws, gifts, strengths, blindspots and all – and so excited for each new day that brings you closer to yourself.
10. Reinvention is not for the faint of heart, but oh my…if you’re up for it, what gifts it brings.

What are the biggest mistakes you’ve made in reinventing your career?  I’d love to hear.  Share your insights with us! We all learn from each other.

Wishing you a joyful career reinvention!  And let me know if you’d like some help – I’ve been there.

My 52 Mistakes

Friday, October 8th, 2010

(Or: How I’m Turning My Mess into a Message Every Day)

Bottom line – “Embracing and loving who I am and what I’ve done is not a fixed state – it’s a long work in progress.”

As many of my friends know, I’ve immersed myself in a 9-year life reinvention, and shifted from a miserable and chronically ill corporate professional to an author, consultant, speaker and entrepreneur who absolutely loves what she does for a living and what she’s focused on, despite the enormous challenges.

It’s been one heck of a ride, with pitfalls, bumps, highs and transformations, that I barely recognize myself from the individual I was 10 years ago.  The core essence of me is still there, of course, but there’s been so much shifting and morphing that now I see much more clearly what I truly value and need to have in my life and work and family experience.  I “get” myself a lot more deeply than I did before.

The other day, I was talking to a new friend, Justin Krane, about some of the mistakes I made in business and in life, and he mentioned that he’d be really interested in hearing my top ten mistakes in business.  And that got me thinking…

So I’ve decided to come clean with My 52 Mistakes.

Today, I’m starting a new blog/vlog project called “My 52 Mistakes” Project. These are the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life and work thus far. I want to share them so you won’t feel alone in your mistakes, and you can learn from mine.  (I’ve created a new Facebook page for My 52 Mistakes, so please join me there and add your stories!).

The goal of the My 52 Mistakes Project is to give brief look at the havoc each mistake wreaked in my life, and the breakthrough that emerged from it, so my mistakes can be of use to others.  I’m also hoping this will provide a needed, open forum for women around the world to candidly share their mistakes, what they’ve learned, and how they’ve grown and healed from them.

For this project to help as many people as I hope it will, I need more than just my experiences, I need yours – your stories, lessons, mistakes and breakthroughs – I need it all!  We’ve spent a good deal of time here together building our community, and now we can help each other with our collective wisdom. 

Which of these mistakes resonates for you?  What other mistakes would you add to your list?  Show me your lists, and tell me your top three.  (We’re getting honest here people!)  And please pass this along to anyone you know who’s committed to learning from mistakes and experiencing breakthrough.  Comment here or email me.

Let’s do this together!  Let’s turn our messes into messages of honesty, forgiveness, and acceptance.  I hope I”ll see you the Facebook page My 52 Mistakes.   And all along the way, know that I love you, my friends – mistakes, warts and all!  xo

Here goes…

My 52 Mistakes…

As a professional…

1) Letting my ego lead me around by the nose

2) Believing the myth, “Build It and They Will Come”

3) Letting the “pendulum effect” rule my life (Waiting too long to take action, then being devastated and running to the opposite extreme)

4) Spending too much money on my business before learning how to earn

5) Listening to people who claimed to be experts but who are in fact full of s—t

6) Putting all my eggs in the Plan A basket without having a Plan B

7) Holding back from sharing my insights, wisdom, and knowledge for fear I’ll give too much away for free

 8) Not listening enough to my instincts and my gut feelings about people and directions

9) Ignoring my husband when he said, “This is not working!!”

10) Running around thinking I’m God’s gift to the world

11) Wasting time in the company of people I don’t adore and respect

12) Comparing myself to others instead of figuring out exactly what I want to offer, to whom, and why

13) Staying too long in a job I hated, not realizing it will, eventually, hate me back

14) Hiding from my fears instead of getting in the cage with them

15) Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome (thanks, Einstein!)

16) Taking on a narcissistic “goliath” expecting to be a successful “David”

17) Remaining in toxic, miserable situations believing that I had good reasons to do so

18) Letting my salary define me

19) Feeling like an “impostor” because of my flaws and mistakes

20) Thinking that this just “happened” to me– not realizing I co-created it

As an author/writer…

21) Believing I’d get rich writing a book

22) Launching my book and work into a vacuum

23) Letting my accomplishments blind me

24) Thinking my personal story was enough to generate a bestselling book

25) Mistaking myself for a writer when I wasn’t writing and reading every day

26) Longing for national recognition from writing a book

27) Being overly attached to one idea, approach, or outcome that I thought was amazing (as journalists say, it’s time to “kill the baby”)

28) Keeping the truth from myself about, “What do I want, and what do I really want?” from my writing and my work

29) Not having had the guts to say what I mean – to a whole slew of people

30)  Being wholly unprepared for the transformational process of writing and launching my book

As a coach/therapist…

31) Believing the hype of “experts” about the earning potential of coaching (sorry folks, there’s very little money in it)

32) Not having sufficiently powerful boundaries to protect myself from the pain of helping people who are suffering

33) Letting people walk all over me because I felt badly for them

34) Wasting months not liking my therapy work but thinking I should (if you don’t like it, you’re not supposed to be doing it!)

35) Believing having my own coaching business would be an easy way out of my miserable corporate job

36) Not understanding,” If you don’t LOVE your clients, you don’t love your work”

37) Stuffing myself into another person’s “model for change” when I wanted to create my own

38) Not healing my wounds sufficiently before being in service of others

39) Coddling my clients instead of helping them turn their mess around by themselves

40) Limiting myself to seeing only one way to make a living

As a woman…

41) Wasting precious time not speaking up for myself

42) Waiting for my Prince to come and rescue me (and being really pissed off when I realized my husband wasn’t the Prince)

43) Letting my mistakes devastate me

44) Being exactly the perfectionistic overfunctioner that I write about

45) Spending more time complaining about my situation than changing it

46) Worrying about polarizing people and alienating other women (it happens – get over it)

47) Not accepting that having it all means I’m working non-stop and so busy that my head’s going to explode

48) Waiting too long to find amazing, awesome people to connect and engage with

49) Believing I didn’t need or want great female role models

50) Letting my gender, generation, upbringing, traumas, cultural baggage, beliefs, fears (my “whatever”) keep me from accomplishing what I wanted to

As a human being on this planet today…

51) Listening to my mind to the exclusion of my heart and soul

52) Not understanding until my forties that I’m unique, special and powerful and can make the difference I long to make

*  *  *  *

OK, friends, your turn!  Please share your top mistakes on My 52 Mistakes on Facebook, and what you’ve learned from them below or email me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.  Let’s get this going!  (Special thanks to my dear friend Krista Carnes for getting me going!)

You’re awesome for sharing! xo

The Four Myths Women Believe about Self-Promotion

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

I just read a terrific article on Forbes.com regarding “The Four Myths of Self-Promotion,” by Kelly Watson.  Here’s the link:

 http://www.forbes.com/2010/06/29/marketing-promotion-small-business-owners-forbes-woman-entrepreneurs-careers-passion.html

 I couldn’t agree more with Kelly.  Further, I’ve unwittingly held myself back over the years because of my own adherence to these myths – namely:

 1) Self-promotion will make me look like I’m bragging

 2) If I’m good enough, people will hear about it (The ole “Build It and They Will Come” falsehood)

 3) Others should talk about my achievements and my value, not me

 4) It won’t make a difference anyway – people have made up their minds already

 None of the above is true, and overcoming these myths will move you forward in your professional life exponentially. 

 If any of the above resonate with you, take another read of Kelly’s article, and do the following:

 1) Make a list of the reasons why you stand out in your field – your talents, skills, background, expertise, training, and vision.  Understand how you are special and the unique ways you are of tremendous service to your workplace, community, and customers or clients, because of who you are.

 2) Go on LinkedIn and complete your profile to the 100% level.  Then send a LinkedIn request for a recommendation to 20 people you know well and trust.  You’ll be amazed at what they say, and it will empower you to hear their praise, and to have had the courage to ask.  Then incorporate their praise into your bio, social media profiles and resume, and in how you talk about yourself.

 3) Examine your marketing strategies – you can ramp up your success significantly when you 1) get clear about how you stand apart from the competition, 2) identify in specific terms the next level of success you want in your career, and 3) create a S.M.A.R.T plan to get out there and articulate your special accomplishments and abilities to your work community, peers, colleagues, etc. 

 Which of the above myths holds you back the most and what can you do to release it?  I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts.  Thanks as always for sharing!

 As Kelly states, it’s definitely time to toot your own horn!

Ease – Are You Blocked From Experiencing It?

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Someone (I can’t remember who unfortunately) recently shared with me the saying, “Turn your mess into a message.” 

I simply love that – perhaps because without realizing it, I’ve been doing that for a full eight and a half years since 9/11, and since I woke up and decided to transform my (messy) life and career.  I had, and still have, a good deal of mess to transform into messages!

This week, I had a powerful shifting realization, thanks again to my dear friend and financial consultant Denise Hughes, that one of my most intractable “messes” is around my resistance to “ease.”  Ease is not something that has been a part of my professional identity or life.  In my twenty-seven years as a contributive professional, there’s been nothing easy about it. 

Sure, I’ve achieved things I’m very proud of and excited about, and I’ve met many of my large goals.  But still – I can’t say that any of it came “easily.”  No way, no how.

This week, as I was exploring the idea of ease and why I resist it so fiercely, I had a very painful memory flash.  It was of my early teen life.  I recalled clearly how someone close to me used to say to me (and to everyone else) in a very critical and hateful tone, “Everything comes so easily to Kathy.”  This person used to brandish those words like a weapon, as if it were a terrible thing to have an easy life, and that it simply wasn’t fair, because her life was hard.  The implication was that God shined his light on me, and cruelly bypassed her, leaving her thwarted and miserable. 

As I tossed that memory around in my mind, I experienced the real ‘aha’- I realized that all these years – my whole 49 years on this planet — I’ve internalized the belief that if things come easily to me, then I don’t deserve them.  Wow…

Believing I’m not deserving of ease has two damaging aspects –  first, deep down, it tricks me into believing that I don’t deserve all the good that I’ve created or attracted, and 2) it traps me in a fearful place, worried that others will judge me negatively, hold me apart from themselves, be envious of me, and think I am not worthy of what I have.

Well…I can tell you that as of this minute, I’m DONE with my resistance to ease.  Done, gone, finished.  I’m shifting it consciously.  Be gone!

Here’s what my spirit knows to be true – When things come easily, it means you are in the flow – of life, of yourself, of your soul and spirit.  It’s not a bad thing that things come easily to you.  It’s supposed to be easy.  When you have ease, it means that you have consciously and completely given up your resistance to ease, and your attachment to struggle.

Each day, I receive an inspirational email message from a neat group – Mike Dooley’s TUT Adventurers Club – and recently got this message worth savoring and embracing:

“Kathy, it’s supposed to be easy.  Everything is supposed to be easy.  Everything is easy.  You live in a dream world. You’re surrounded by illusions, and the illusions change when you change your thinking!

Tell yourself it’s easy.  Tell yourself often.  Make it a mantra.  Eat, sleep, and breathe it.  And your life shall be transformed.

It’s supposed to be easy.”

(From Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe)

I’d add this – if ease is not your experience, there’s most likely something blocking you from believing you deserve or want ease.  Please take the time this week to dig deep and explore what might be keeping you from believing you can and will have ease from this moment forward, and that having ease is what you deserve.  You are strong enough to have ease, and to handle the envy of others who don’t. 

Ease is beautiful, perfect, and as it should be, for you and for me.  Let’s allow it into our lives, together, now.

You Are Where You Are – and You’re Moving Up

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

I’ve had some interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

 

Here’s what I realized:

 

1) I am where I am – that feels good

 

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very “successful” but inwardly a deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an “expert” and advocate of women’s reinvention, because that’s exactly what I’d done well -  breaking through the 12 “hidden” crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It’s been all about breaking through.

 

2) But now I want to go somewhere else – and that feels better

 

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself “successful” both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success – tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I’m committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams – clear, crisp, and shiny.

 

To create/achieve that, I need more – more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I’m doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I’m reaching out to women I admire deeply – those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms – and I’m learning from them.  I’ve found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you’d like to, how you’d like to do it.

 

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly – How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews – Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson –  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who’ve achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It’s all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

 

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder – you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that’s the dream anyway).  And you don’t want to go down a rung on your ladder!

 

Funny, I feel like I’m on a ladder – not one about popularity or “hierarchy” but an “energetic” ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I’m standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung – my future self — and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I’m seeing on this new rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about – whether that’s family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  – you name it, they’re doing it.  These women don’t subscribe to the notion that they can’t have it all – they simply don’t see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

 

The lesson for me in all of this is – At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic “level” that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we’re ready for, deep-down.  But then – suddenly and inexplicably — we want more and we want different, and we’re ready to create it.

 

So it’s time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I’m ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

 

Question of the week: What do you feel you’re ready for now – what’s your next “rung?”  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

You Are Where You Are – and You're Moving Up

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

I’ve had some interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

 

Here’s what I realized:

 

1) I am where I am – that feels good

 

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very “successful” but inwardly a deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an “expert” and advocate of women’s reinvention, because that’s exactly what I’d done well -  breaking through the 12 “hidden” crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It’s been all about breaking through.

 

2) But now I want to go somewhere else – and that feels better

 

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself “successful” both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success – tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I’m committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams – clear, crisp, and shiny.

 

To create/achieve that, I need more – more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I’m doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I’m reaching out to women I admire deeply – those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms – and I’m learning from them.  I’ve found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you’d like to, how you’d like to do it.

 

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly – How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews – Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson –  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who’ve achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It’s all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

 

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder – you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that’s the dream anyway).  And you don’t want to go down a rung on your ladder!

 

Funny, I feel like I’m on a ladder – not one about popularity or “hierarchy” but an “energetic” ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I’m standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung – my future self — and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I’m seeing on this new rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about – whether that’s family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  – you name it, they’re doing it.  These women don’t subscribe to the notion that they can’t have it all – they simply don’t see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

 

The lesson for me in all of this is – At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic “level” that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we’re ready for, deep-down.  But then – suddenly and inexplicably — we want more and we want different, and we’re ready to create it.

 

So it’s time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I’m ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

 

Question of the week: What do you feel you’re ready for now – what’s your next “rung?”  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

How to Make Decisions That Are Ultimately Right for You

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

My wonderful coaching clients ask me frequently, “How do I know if this is the right step?  I’m just so confused.” 

 

To get clear on the next step to take that will be ultimately beneficial for you, answer these three questions first, then move on the path to making your decision.

 

There are three powerful questions before you address any significant decision:

 

1) Do you have enough information to make this decision?  If not, get it.

2) Is it the right time to make this decision – if not, then wait.  If so, take the steps listed below.

3) How important is this decision?  If it’s not at all important to your life, stop agonizing, and use your gut to tell you what direction to go in, and just do something.

 

If the time is right to make your decision, and you have enough information to do it, then follow this process:

1) Shift your mindset about decisions and next steps

 

First, disengage yourself from needing to believe that there is an ultimate “right” outcome to anything.  There isn’t.  Life is a cycle, a process, a flow, not a final destination.  You’ll never “get there.”  It’s all about experiencing life fully, NOW, and loving it.  Forget about outcome, and look at “process” – explore what you think this step will bring to you, along with the process of living that this step will allow you to engage in.  In other words, will this next step encourage you to grow, stretch, be excited, enlivened, and expand yourself?  If so, there’s a great deal of benefit in it.

 

2) How does it make you feel to consider it?

 

In my marriage and family therapy training, one professor said that “feeling” is the “F” word – because a therapist and client talking just about feelings can be a slippery slope of not leading to any interventions that truly help a person move forward.

 

In this case, however, gaining awareness of how you feel is vitally important.  Watch yourself as you explore this next step or potential decision.  Do you feel energized, excited, with your heart beating?  Or do you feel like taking a nap, exhausted, depressed and hopeless.  How you feel, and the shifts in your energy level when you’re evaluating a potential decision are highly indicative of what your heart and soul really want to do.

 

3) Look at what holds you back – is it all fear-based?

 

Write out all the pros and cons to the decision you’re facing.  Then look at the cons…are they all fear-based (“what if”, anxiety-ridden thinking)?  If so, you’re most likely getting stuck in your limited beliefs and ego-based thinking that tell you that you simply can’t embrace this challenge or step because you’ll fail or the unknown is too scary.  The unknown doesn’t have to be scary – if you embrace it as a way to be more of yourself.

 

4) What does your intuition/gut tell you to do?

 

Decisions are best made when you combine logical, linear thinking with intuitive-based wisdom that comes from a higher place.  Your logical thinking helps you identify all the pros and cons (see #3) from an intellectual perspective, but your intuition has a farther-reaching view, one that sees a bigger picture of who and where you truly want to go, and what you’re capable of. 

 

Get in closer touch with your internal guiding wisdom and intuition.  Start today by developing a deeper inner dialog.  Ask questions of yourself on a continual basis, and listen for the answers, then follow them!.  Begin by asking simple “yes” or “no” questions (should I take this route or that one to get to my destination, should I stop here or wait a bit, etc.), and begin hearing what your intuition tells you.  Find the place in your body where your feel your intuition most (your gut, throat, back of your neck, heart, etc.) and begin incorporating the messages of your intuition in every decision you make.

 

Ultimately, each decision you make is the right one, because you made it, and you did your best at the time, and because it inevitably led to something that was important for you to experience.  Going forward, make your decisions with fuller awareness, choice, and a belief that everything you experience will ultimately lead to something greater in yourself.  Then, every decision will feel like (and be) the right one. 

 

If you have a decision to make today: get the info you need, don’t make limiting assumptions about what you’re capable of, do your best, stop worrying, and start living.

 

Question of the week: What decisions have you made that at first seemed to be a mistake, but later opened up great new possibilities for you?

Are We Just Too Demoralized to Fight, Or Just Catching Our Breath?

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

 In a powerful article in the Harvard Business Review called “Women and the Labyrinth of Leadership” authors and researchers Drs. Alice Eagly and Linda Carli explore women, leadership and gender equality, and observe that “signs of a pause in progress toward gender equality have appeared on many fronts.”  They speculate about the causes of this slowing of progress, and indicate:

 

“It may simply be that women are collectively catching their breath before pressing for more change. In the past century, feminist activism arose when women came to view themselves as collectively subjected to illegitimate and unfair treatment.  But recent polls show less conviction about the presence of discrimination, and feminism does not have the cultural relevance it once had. The lessening of activism on behalf of all women puts pressure on each woman to find her own way.”

 

This statement coincides precisely with what I’ve observed in my research with hundreds of working women over these past several years.  I’ve noticed that while throngs of women are more than willing to share their stories of traumatic challenge and crisis, they are not at all ready to stand up and fight for what they need and want. 

 

When I speak with executive women at Fortune 100 companies, for instance, the depth of despair is palpable about how challenging and out of control their lives are, but the courageous stand-up-and-fight mentality is not present.  They’re still afraid to speak up.

 

An inspiring friend and colleague of mine, Krista Reiner, who supports authors in expanding their platforms and audiences to the next level, asked me today, “Does there have to be crisis and conflict in order for change to come about?”  I say yes, because change is incredibly difficult and frightening to most people.  Significant social change comes only after struggle and conflict.  Social change is generated when there is a collective commitment to bringing about a dramatic shift away from what is no longer tolerable, fair, or viable.

 

If you think about yourself and all the women you know, how would you answer these questions?

 

- By and large, are we fulfilled with our lives and our careers?

- If not, are we taking solid, powerful action to change our lives?

- Do we know what we want, and have a plan to get it?

 

When I went through my worst heartbreaking and crushing crises in the late 1990s up through 9/11, I’d have to answer the above questions with a resounding “NO!”  I was miserable and chronically sick, but despite some feeble efforts here and there, I simply didn’t take enough forward-moving action to create any real change at all. 

 

Why?  Because deep down, I didn’t want to do it.  I wanted what I had to work for me.  I didn’t want to give up all that I thought I’d achieved after years of hard work (money, “security,” self-esteem from being an executive, power, etc.).  What I know now is that the very things that held me hostage in a crushing life were the things I was most afraid of giving up.

 

If this resonates with you, I hope and pray that you’ll take some courageous action today.  Let’s activate ourselves toward change – let’s become activists in our own lives.  Please don’t wait until you have one of the hidden crises (or all 12 – as I did) that working women face today.  Please…take action and make a change and speak up for your life today.

 

I’d love to hear your views about what holds you back from making change in your life.  Are you too stressed to do it, or just catching your breath?  Is change just around the corner for you or do you have to fight for it?   Please share your thoughts. 

 

I hold onto the belief that a breakthrough movement for women is just one breath away.  Let’s take the breath.

Five Ways to Power-Up and Get What You Want

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Here’s a quick rundown on five tactics for gaining more strength and power in your life and work, beginning today:

 

1)       Do the inner work you have to do – I’ve had more than a few folks tell me lately that they really don’t want to do the deep re-evaluation and exploration work necessary to create more success and fulfillment.  In essence, they want it done for them or given to them.  My view – that just ain’t gonna happen (and why would you want it to)?    

 

Tip: Do the inner and outer work necessary to 1) figure out what you really want, 2) figure out the best way to get it, 3) figure out what you need to shift and change to get it, and 4) determine what you’ll give up to have it.  Then go get it.

 

2)       Learn from others – In many of my seminars and talks to women, there are always one or two individuals who come up to me afterwards and share with me that they didn’t want to hear the views or experiences of others – they just wanted to focus on their own issues/problems.  But being teachable and understanding that we’re all alike in vital ways and can learn from others, is an essential ingredient to power and success.  Let connection feed you, not drain you.

 

Tip: Let go of your inner narcissist.  Stop focusing exclusively on yourself.  Start connecting – listening to and learning from others.  There’s a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and perspective out there for you to benefit from.

 

3)       Stop thinking “making great money means soul-sucking misery” If I hear one more time, “Yeah, Kathy, this career fulfillment stuff is nice, but I’ve got to pay the mortgage,” I’m going to spit.  Of course we have to pay our bills and stay afloat, but when are folks going to realize that paying your bills DOESNT inherently, inevitably mean sacrificing your soul to do it, and being miserable.  We think it does because we’ve mistakenly told ourselves that lie our entire lives – that making great money = soul-crushing work.  Making the money you truly need doesn’t mean you have to get sick, depressed, lose yourself, hate yourself, and sacrifice everything that means anything to you, just so you can pay your mortgage. 

 

Tip: Figure out the new path you desperately long to take, and begin step-by-step to create it, with money-making and meeting your needs as a key goal.  No more excuses.

 

4)       When you don’t know what you want to do, first focus on “essence,” then on “form” – When you’re really stuck as to what you want to do next, focus on figuring out the “essence” of what you want first in your life and work, and worry about the right “form” of it only as a second step.  An example: let’s say you adore singing and always have, and you hate your corporate job.  You might be thinking, “All I want to do is quit this job, and start singing for a living. I think I’d love that!”  To that, I’d say, “Wait a minute!”  Making a living as a singer (for instance) can be excruciatingly difficult.  Most performers say, “Do this only if you can’t NOT do it!”  So before you jump into what new job/career that you’ve been fantasizing about, figure out if it’s something you truly can’t live without doing and if you’re suited to a life of it. 

 

What are the inner qualities, traits (the essence) of the thing you long for – what do you think this thing will give your life that you don’t have now?  Ask yourself, “What does singing give to me?”  Your answers might be that singing brings you: entertainment, the joy of creating something beautiful, the reward of making music with others, creativity, harmony, fun, stimulation, physical exertion that’s also relaxing, surrounding yourself with beautiful sounds, etc.  

 

After you know specifically what singing (or the thing you’re fantasizing about) gives you, then see if you can bring forward any parts of that “essence” into your current life/career.  If not, then start evaluating and researching what that might mean for you in terms of changing your job/career to embrace more of the essence of what you long for.

 

Tip: Explore what lights you up, what gives you passion, and why.  They determine if there are any ways you can bring those endeavors forward in your life today, without a wholesale reinvention, if possible.

 

5)       Get Tough – Power Up Your Boundaries – To get what you want in life, you have to be strong and confident.  You have to protect yourself from all those who would suck your energy dry, use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty for not doing more than you should for others, and diminish you.  You can’t have a powerful life if you’re giving over all your power to others (including your children, spouse, boss, employer, friends, relatives, etc.).

 

Tip: Think about where you feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, and start there.  To whom do you need to say “no” and why aren’t you saying it?  It’s time to say more “No!” to others, and more “Yes!” to yourself, and time to speak up.  Just do it.

 

Question for the day: In what ways do you struggle in terms of feeling powerful and confident?  And what have you done to successfully build your confidence in areas where it’s shaky?

 

Thanks for sharing, and many happy breakthroughs,

Kathy

 

Why You Can’t Find Balance – and Why You Won’t, Until You Take These Steps

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Lately, I’ve been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women’s plates were full before, now they’re piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

 

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can’t have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

 

My views aren’t easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

 

You won’t ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here’s what’s necessary:

 

1)       You’ve got to fight for it.

 Corporate America was built on the foundations of a “white male competitive career model” that simply doesn’t fit women.  Jack Welch’s recent comments about women and balance are old-fashioned, outmoded, and out of touch – they don’t reflect the future, and what’s going to be the new frontier for the American workplace.  In the not so distant future, there will be a new model (hopefully in our lifetimes) – one that makes room for women and for what they uniquely need and want.  But we’ve got to fight for it.

 

If you’re in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what’s right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can’t continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

 

If you can’t speak up on your own (because you’ll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

 

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).

 

Things won’t change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what’s right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you’ll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you’ll drop out of the game.  That’s fine, if you’re doing it consciously, with awareness and choice

 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don’t have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

 

2)       You’ve got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

 

You simply can’t feel healthy and balanced when you’re working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It’s not possible.

 

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it’s essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can’t do any more.  If that’s what he says, it’s critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It’s up to you to do this.  He won’t volunteer for this.

 

If you’re an overfunctioner (doing more than what’s necessary, healthy or appropriate – and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don’t want you to stop.  

 

You have to shift yourself first – internally – and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you’ll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you’ll have to deal with your family’s initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you’re not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what’s appropriate — not more — and it’s not easy.  But you’ll find a new stability, and they’ll get over it, and so will you. 

 

You’ll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you’ll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

 

3)       Stop being angry and start being accountable.

 

Finally, it’s time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you’re creating.  No more excuses.

 

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children – I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn’t ask.  That’s a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

 

So, my friends, today’s the day.  Let’s all figure out:

 

1)       What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about

2)       What are you taking on that’s too much – more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary

3)       Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say “no”?

4)       To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?

5)       If you’re in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I’d suggest this:

  • Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
  • Look at the real options at hand – get yourself out of your box and look at what’s truly possible
  • Make a plan to get what you want
  • Power Up and Stand Up for yourself – strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
  • Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

 

Today’s action step – Don’t waste another minute blaming someone else.  It’s your life – claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?