Posts Tagged ‘growth’

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Why Midlife Rocks Your World

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

I was speaking today with a wonderful client of mine – let’s call her “Carol,” who shared a story about her views of midlife BEFORE she had arrived in midlife, and then what happened when her 40’s came.

She shared,

It’s funny – when I was my early 30’s, and I’d hear about someone having a ‘midlife crisis,’ I’d think to myself, “Wow, I don’t really get that.  I’m focused, doing what I need to, experiencing success, the kids are good, things are moving along well.  I can’t imagine waking up to wanting a whole new life or finding out that what I have I don’t want.”

But when I turned 43, something happened.  I awakened somehow – after a series of tough events and challenges — to wanting more, wanting different.  It’s like I suddenly saw my whole life differently through the eyes of a middle-ager.  The career I spent years rising to the top of, somehow lost its hold on me – it felt empty and unimportant, silly almost.  My relationship with my husband had some serious problems too over the years that took a terrible toll on me, but I never allowed myself to stop and look at that – I just powered through it all.  

Now that my kids are older and I’m not needed in the same, day-to-day way, I find that I truly want a different life – a life that’s mine – based on what I value and what I love.  I don’t want to just push down what isn’t working.  I want to bring it out and resolve it, or let it go. 

I get it now – a “midlife crisis” isn’t a cliché.  It’s real and it’s powerful. 

Carol speaks for thousands of folks who’ve awakened in midlife to realizing that what they’ve created in their 20s and 30s just doesn’t fit who they’ve become. (You can read about my midlife breakthrough in my book Breakdown Breakthrough).

Why is midlife a time of major transition?

I’ve observed that the following contribute to our re-awakening in midlife and wanting change:

1)  A time of reckoning and re-evaluation – Realizing that your life is potentially more than half over is a jarring experience, and brings with it a sense of urgency to live more authentically, more joyfully.  At 50, we just want different things than we did at 30.

2)  Kids are out of the house – Without the pressing parenting responsibilities that can be all-consuming, there’s room to think, room to breathe, and quiet space to hear yourself dream.

3)  Friends start to die – My husband and I discussed this just yesterday, that a number of our 50+-year-old friends have died – from sudden illness, cancer, heart attack, etc.  When your friends die, you think hard.

4)  Longings won’t be suppressed – After working so hard crafting a “successful” life, we get tired of it.  Instead of some outward version of “success,” we long for joy, excitement, passion, peace — we want to live life more fully, on our terms.

5) We know how to speak up – We won’t be talked down to anymore.  We’ve lived through that, and we’ve learned how to stand up, speak up and power up.  We won’t tolerate put downs, manipulation or pressure like we used to.

6)  We’ve finally earned it – Finally, after all you’ve strived for, accomplished, created, and achieved, you know what you’re capable of.  You won’t stand for less.  You have the confidence and the courage to embrace the idea that’s been skulking around in your mind for years.  You’re ready to admit, “This can’t be all there is.  I know there’s more for me.”

So, my friends, if you’re in midlife and wondering why everything looks and feels different, don’t be alarmed.  It’s a natural, normal life progression – a stage that doesn’t have to represent hell. 

But don’t resist it and break yourself against it like a rock – embrace it.  Let yourself look into the deep recesses of your heart, mind, and soul, to find clues of who you want to become now, and what you want to create in this next thrilling chapter.  It’s a new time, waiting for a fuller, more expansive you.

Midlife can pave the way to a glorious reclamation of your passion, power and purpose – go for it!

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Following Your Dreams, Kathy Caprino, Support for Change, Wake Up Calls | 3 Comments »

The Top Six Reasons People Want to Leave Their Careers

Monday, July 11th, 2011

(Thrilled that this piece was published on Forbes.com last week!)

As a career and executive coach, I’ve spoken with hundreds of professionals who’ve shared some version of, “I really want to leave my job and change my career, but I’m not sure what to do or where to go from here.”

If I’ve heard this message once, I’ve heard it 1000 times now.  People spend years crafting careers that appear successful on the outside, only to find that at some point, usually in midlife, the career comes up short. It’s missing a vital component (or several) that turns the work into something dreaded – less than fulfilling, lacking in purpose, unstable, inauthentic, unsustainable, or a combination of all of the above.

I’ve personally lived this experienced as well – waking up at age 40 to depression, exhaustion, chronic illness, lack of ability to balance my family life and work, and feeling completely disengaged from the corporate professional identity I’d spent 18 years forging (see Breakdown Breakthrough for more).

Why are so many folks miserable in their work and long for change?

Here’s what I’ve found to be the top six reasons people are dissatisfied with their work and want out:

1. Balance: They find it impossible to balance work and outside/family life
2. Money: The money they earn isn’t enough to sustain them or their families
3. Skills: The skills and talents required for their work aren’t are a good fit
4. Respect: They feel chronically undervalued or mistreated
5. Meaning: They experience little positive meaning or purpose in their work
6. Struggle: It’s simply too hard to keep going with it

In short, they’re saying: “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this.”

As the economy rallies, more and more employees are asking themselves, “Can I leave my job yet?”  But I’ve discovered that if the above challenges aren’t effectively addressed in some core way BEFORE you leave your current job or career, they’ll follow you wherever you go. 

If the above describes your experience, read on for some tips to help you create the change you want — away from feeling trapped, toward feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today.

1) Commit Yourself to What You Want

A fulfilling, satisfying life is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it with concentrated, continual effort.  You have to work it. 

How?  First, figure out what is the most important thing in the whole world to you.  What matters more than anything else?  (For more on this, see Ric Elias’ moving TED Talk on 3 Lessons I Learned As My Plane Crashed). 

Formulate this priority in terms of a “to be” statement such as “to be a great parent” or “to be a successful entrepreneur” or “to be a helper of others.”   Then commit yourself to honoring this priority.  Stop over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go being perfect in the areas that don’t matter to you.

2) Refine Your Focus

Do you know exactly which talents and skills are easy and natural for you to use, that give your work a sense of purpose?  Do you know what type of work would represent an ideal fit? Are you in touch with your core values, standards of integrity and life goals? 

We have to understand our unique answers to these questions before we even contemplate making a major career change.  Why? Because if you don’t understand who you are and what you want uniquely, you’ll end up making career change based on the wrong reasons and incomplete information, and the new career will disappoint you once again.

Take my Career Path Assessment (CLICK HERE to access the free Assessment survey) and figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again. Then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap your true and natural talents more frequently and deeply.

3) Access the Courage to Make Change

During the eight years I’ve been a career coach, I’ve literally met thousands of miserable, depressed professionals who share their story of misery, but then do nothing concrete about it.  I’ve analyzed why this is so – why so many people remain paralyzed in their misery – and I have some hypotheses as to what holds us back from life change (stay tuned for an upcoming blog post on that). 

But what I do know is that if you don’t take concrete action that is different in content and process from what you’ve done before, your life and career will not change.

In the end, you can’t solve a problem on the level it was created.

Whether you’re in your own business and it’s simply not working, or the job you’re in brings too much struggle every day, it’s time for change.  Let’s face it, most of us wait until there’s a full-blown crisis (read about the 12 “hidden” crises working women face) before we do something different.  I’ve personally lived through all 12 of the major crises professional women face, so I get it.  But I’m asking you NOT to make the same mistakes I did.  Get outside your own head, and get outside help to figure out what you really want, and how to get it.

So, what’s your top reason for wanting out of your line of work?  And are you ready to do something about it?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino | 2 Comments »

Loving Who They Are and Who They Aren’t

Sunday, June 5th, 2011

A few days ago, I was taking a break with a friend, sitting outside in a beautiful park, soaking up the sun.  I relished the chance to sit quietly in nature and catch up.  We got around to discussing our personal lives and the inner workings of our family dynamics.

We shared, laughed, winced, and sighed – at all the things that are going very well, and those things that we wished might have been different.  (It’s wonderful to a have a friend you can be truly candid and authentic with, isn’t it?) What a gift.

After sharing a bit about our perceived triumphs and disappointments, my friend said something that reached in and plucked a heartstring for me.  She said:

“Kathy, I’ve realized that in order to be happy and not drive myself mad, I have to love my kids and my husband for who they are, but also for who they aren’t.”

Wow, did that resonate for me.

My friend was talking about that fact that, despite everything we try to do for our family, and how hard we strive to shape them (and our relationships) in ways we think are healthy, happy and productive — they’re just not always going to be who we think they should be, or who we think we want them to be.

But rather than waste precious time longing for them to be different, it’s so much more peaceful and fulfilling to accept them as they are, and love them for who they and for who they are not.  It’s an easier and more joyful life when we embrace the idea that if parts of our loved ones were different – even tiny fragments or slivered dimensions — they simply wouldn’t be the people we love so deeply.

Our discussion reminded me of something my husband said to me years ago when we were first married.  I was picking a quarrel with him about something insignificant about his behavior (some imagined huge “flaw” of his that I was deeply annoyed about), and he said,

“You know, Kathy, I don’t view you and our relationship the way you do.  I don’t extract out the small, petty things I don’t like, examine them and make a federal case of them, or wish they were different.  I accept what is.  I look at you as a whole package that I’ve married – not something I can dissect and separate into little pieces that are good or bad.  I take the whole thing.”  

My friend and I explored this, and agreed that women seem to do more of this “separate, evaluate, and denigrate” thing.   We hone in on the stuff that we believe should be modified.  We magnify it and make it a huge bone of contention.  Men on the other hand, don’t seem to have this ever-constant need to pick us apart and talk to death about the stuff they wish were different.

Whether it’s a gender thing or not, I know this to be true – when I am able to fully accept my family (and everyone else I know, for that matter, including myself), my life goes better. 

My job, I realize, isn’t to play creator or “tinkerer” – it’s to be fully present, alive, loving and accepting, to the greatest degree I can.

When I’m able to do that, I realize that all is just as it should be.

How about you – Do you find more joy and peace when you accept your loved ones for who they are, rather than tinker with them to be someone else?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Feeling Your Best, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Living Real, Tips for Empowerment | 10 Comments »

The Wrong Kind of Help – Six Key Traits of “Help” that Hurts

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

As an empowerment researcher, I’ve studied for eight years what constitutes “helpful” help versus advice or counsel that diminishes and demeans, or sends you in the wrong direction.

The sad news is that thousands of so-called “helpers” in our world today – our family members, friends, service providers of all walks (doctors, lawyers, financial consultants, therapists, coaches, counselors, intuitive, healers, etc.) – simply haven’t done the inner and outer work they need to, to offer empowering, uplifting support.  Instead, the assistance they give is the disempowering kind, dragging us down, keeping us stuck at the same problematic level we seek to rise above.

In my therapy training and work as a career coach, I’ve learned (and tell my clients openly) that only they can discern if the help they’re getting is right for them.  And they should walk away immediately when it’s not.

Each individual has his/her own unique personality, values, beliefs, traits, needs, and priorities – and these coalesce in a way that is individual and special. So the help you receive needs to honor that individuality – and make you right, not wrong. 

My advice to folks seeking help is this – if after the first meeting with the helper you feel empowered, excited, and validated,  and if the help allows you to progress in satisfying ways, then it’s a good match.  If on the other hand, you feel demeaned or misunderstood, challenged in negative ways, and discouraged,  then it’s time to change your helper.

What Kind of Help is the Hurting Kind?

The following are hallmarks of assistance that is wrong for you – and ends up being hurtful not helpful.

You’ll know “bad” help when:

  1. The helper claims s/he is an expert about you (it’s not true – you’re the expert about you)
  2. The help is one-size-fits-all, that applies the same tools and approaches to everyone  – it’s not tailored to your individualized case or scenario
  3. The helper assumes you need “fixing” or believes you’re the problem
  4. The help you receive keeps you stuck  –  you keep experiencing the same the problems over and over
  5. The helper is enmeshed with you – s/he does not support you to grow beyond the help they give
    (I hate to say it, folks, but there are many therapists, coaches and consultants out there who WANT you to keep you coming back because of the money it makes them or because they want you to need them.  I see this in some exorbitantly-paid therapists and consultants all the time.)
  6. Receiving help is a negative experience that drains you of your vitality, hope, and excitement for life. (Or, on the other hand, the help is so overly-optimistic that it doesn’t reflect reality and leads you astray).

 My world is about helping professional women achieve their highest visions.  As I’ve moved into the leadership arena, I’ve seen a lot out there that calls itself “leadership coaching” for women, claiming that it helps women advance.  But what I see instead is a good deal of faulty advice or information that tells women they’re wrong for how they feel and what they want. 

To counter this, I’m launching a new yearlong, 12-part Career Enhancement Program for corporate women for corporate organizations, designed to enliven and support professional women to attain the career visions they hold most exciting and fulfilling.  I aim to provide the highest form of help I can – assistance that achieves the following goals:

Empowering Support:

1)      Validates you – Makes you right (not wrong); focuses NOT on “fixing”you, but honoring who you are at your core

2)      Tailors the help to your specific values, beliefs and needs – not one-size-fits- all

3)      Strengthens and stretches you, helping you see your greatest talents and strengths as well as growth areas

4)      Takes you to a new level – so you overcome previous challenges and are ready for new ones

5)      Encourages you to be more of who you already are – authentically and with integrity, so you can help others
expand and grow as well

6)      Fills you up so you want to experience even more of life and work – gives you a deep and thorough understanding of who you are and where you want to go, realistically.

If your organization is committed to inclusion and diversity, and wants to support professional women’s growth, I hope you’ll reach out – I’d love to offer this 12-month Career Enhancement Program to you and your colleagues.

In the meantime, please remember that getting outside your own head and asking for support to overcome your specific challenges is vitally important.  But choosing the right kind of help– the kind that allows you to move toward the highest and best version of you – is the most important choice of all.  And only you can choose the best help for you.

What kind of help works best for you? And have you ever received help that hurts?

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Posted in Advice, Careers, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Leadership, Women in Business, Women in Leadership, success | No Comments »

The Top 6 Reasons People Want Out of Their Work

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

I’ve recently become immersed in executive search work through my new role as Marketing VP for Synergy Partners USA – a specialized executive search firm based in Wilton, CT.  I’m loving the new work — it helps me be of service both to individuals who want to enhance their careers, and organizations who want top marketing talent to help them build and grow.  I’m also connecting with terrific HR and senior management folks committed to diversity and providing career development programs for their female talent as well, which I love to provide through my firm Ellia Communications.  It’s cool!

As a career coach and in exec search work, I’ve spoken with scores of professionals who’ve shared some version of, “I’m really ready for a change, but I’m not sure exactly where to go from here.”

If I’ve heard this message once, I’ve heard it 1000 times now.  So many people spend years crafting careers that appear successful on the outside, only to find that at some point, usually in midlife, the career comes up short.  It’s missing some vital component (or several) that turns the work into something less than fulfilling, lacking in purpose, unstable, inauthentic, unsustainable, or a combination of all of the above.

Why are so many folks dissatisfied with their work and long for change?

Here’s what I’ve found to be the top six reasons people are dissatisfied with their work and want out:

1. They find it impossible to balance work and outside life

2. The money they earn isn’t enough to sustain them or their families

3. The skills and talents required for their work aren’t are a good fit

4. They feel chronically undervalued or mistreated

5. They experience little positive meaning or purpose in their work

6. It’s simply too hard to keep going with it

In short, they’re saying: “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this.”

If the above describes your experience, read on for some tips to help you create the change you want — away from feeling trapped, toward feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today.

1) Claim More Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about — that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of “to be” statements such as “to be a great parent” or “to be a successful entrepreneur” or “to be a helper of others.”   Then commit yourself to these.  Stop over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of doing too much and being perfect in the areas that don’t matter as much to you. 

2) Power Up with Money

To get out of financial distress, you have to become intimately connected with your money.  Create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Understand what you need to survive and thrive.  Examine your spending – are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don’t have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial problems is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Develop an empowered money relationship, and you’ll no longer act in ways that create financial distress or drain you of your financial power.

3) Change Your Skills Focus

Do you know exactly which talents and skills are easy and natural for you to use, that give your work a sense of purpose?  Do you know what work would represent a perfect fit? Find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap your true and natural talents more frequently and deeply.  Take my free Career Path Assessment and figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again. 

4) Respect Yourself

If you’re chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, start with SELF-respect.  How? Through courageous action that builds your own self-esteem – action that you know you should be taking, but haven’t found the nerve to take.  Don’t wait to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what’s important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate, sponsor or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won’t. 

5) Honor What Gives Your Life Meaning

It’s a highly-destructive and misguided myth in our culture that we can’t make good money doing what we love.  We can, but it takes grit, determination, and courage and flexibility to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially. 

Determine what endeavors and activities bring you joy and meaning, and bring these forward.  The key is to 1) understand the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it.  To find out if the new path you’re fantasizing about is right for you, research, research, research– interview people in the field, read all about it, get training and education, find a mentor, and determine a way to “try it on’ before you leap.  You might discover that earning money following your passion isn’t — in the end — the right thing for you, but you love to do it on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that’s the case, step up and volunteer or join a community that lets you honor your heart-aligned passions.  

6) If It’s Too Much Struggle, Change

Whether you’re in your own business and it’s simply not working, or the job you’re in feels crushingly difficult, it’s time to make change.  Let’s face it, most of us wait until there’s a full-blown crisis (read about the 12 “hidden” crises working women face) before we do something different.  I’ve personally lived through all 12 of the crises  I write about, so I understand.  But I’m asking you NOT to make the same mistakes I did.  Get outside your own head, and get help to figure out what you really want, and how to get it.

So, what’s your top reason for wanting out of your line of work?  And are you ready to do something about it?

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Posted in Careers, Challenges, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Tips for Empowerment, Uncategorized, success | 2 Comments »

Honoring the Loving Mother in You

Saturday, May 7th, 2011

Happy Mother’s Day to you!

Mother’s Day is a time of honoring and appreciating our mothers and what they have done, given, and sacrificed for us. If you are a mother, I hope you are being showered with love and appreciation this weekend.

I wonder too if we could take some time to appreciate how we have mothered ourselves into being; how despite the many deep challenges we’ve faced these past several years, we haven’t stop nurturing, guiding, and loving our own spirits, and believing in ourselves.  We haven’t given up, even when the times have been so hard. 

So often people focus on what’s terrible today, and how the world and its people are flawed.  To me, we simply don’t talk enough about how we’ve persevered, how we’ve grown through the crises, and how we’ve learned what we’re really made of, through these trying times.

Perhaps we could make today about appreciating the process of mothering, not just of the world’s children, but of our own spirits too.  Here’s a little affirmation we can say today:

“I am a loving and nurturing mother to myself. I always do the best I can. I am aware of my gaps and dedicate myself to my continued growth. I am growing in my loving acceptance and validation of myself (and others) each day.”

Today, let’s thank all those who’ve been mothers to us in one way or another throughout our lives – those who’ve helped “mother” our spirits, gifts, and creative endeavors into being.

But also let’s take a moment to feel deep love and appreciation for the mothers inside of us – for the part of us that pours forth with support, encouragement, kindness, and gentleness – and keeps the love flowing – even in the most challenging of times.

Sending love to you this Mother’s Day.

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Posted in Feeling Your Best, Inspiring Thoughts, Kathy Caprino, Mother's Day, Uncategorized | No Comments »

See Progress – We Are Moving Forward

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

I read this morning Rick Hanson’s beautiful newsletter “Just One Thing” – a year’s worth of weekly practices to help us grow in happiness, love and wisdom.

This piece was about “Seeing Progress,” and it was a balm for my soul – just what the doctored ordered.  I woke up feeling particularly hard on myself for the mistakes I’ve made these past years, and the harder I was on myself, the worse I felt.  I came to my computer, and saw Rick’s email, and it stopped me in my (self-flagellating) tracks.

He helped me remember that, in small ways, our world is getting better, my world is getting better.  We are making progress, improving ourselves, helping others, making change, finding solutions, addressing problems.  It’s not all “doom and gloom” and “dark times,” as the media and so many in the world would like us to believe.

I feel so much better, remembering that progress is being made.  Here’s Rick’s beautiful piece below – I hope it helps you as it did me, and encourages you to see all that’s improving and shifting in your life.

See Progress – Just One Thing

Let’s overcome our “learned helplessness,” and strengthen our resilience by remembering to see what is improving.

Towards that end, I decided that today (stuck here in the snow) I’d begin reading something nourishing and uplifting, and I chose A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.  My dear friend Susie Horgan recommended it to me.  I had picked it up years ago, but never opened it, and there it lay on my shelf.

I opened the book to find this:

“Love is what we were born with.  Fear is what we have learned here.  The spiritual journey is the relinquishment – or unlearning—of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.  Love is the essential existential fact.  It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth.  To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.”

Ah…I’m going to love this book and this day.

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Challenges, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino | No Comments »

Brush Those “Haters” Off

Thursday, January 20th, 2011
Hello! How’s your week going?  Great, I hope.

Personally, I’ve had a few hard knocks this week from several people who indicated they’d like to offer constructive feedback, but then proceeded to tear down and put down.

Helpful or Hurtful?

It’s an interesting experience, to come open-hearted to someone to receive their feedback, thinking it will be a growing experience to hear their thoughts, only to discover that the input is not coming from a kind, compassionate or caring place, or being offered as a means of help.  Know what I mean? 
Have you experienced that lately too? 

As a trained therapist, communicator and energy worker, I feel energy.  I feel a vast energetic difference between words that come from someone who has clear vision, who’s done the inner work, and who is offering feedback from a caring, service-oriented place, versus input from one who hasn’t done the hard work of examining herself and understanding her own fears, vulnerabilities or dark side.  Sure, there are times when we hear critical input and it hurts, but we know deep down that it’s well-intended and important to take in.  But in the cases where the giver is not intending to be helpful, (and is just lashing out instead), we should NOT take it in.

It’s vitally important to be able to differentiate.  After all, (as my new friend just shared), “You don’t have to catch every ball that’s thrown at you.”

As hard as it is to be “torn down,” I’m using it as fodder for growth. I’m taking the time to settle into it and feel what it’s teaching me.  I’m looking at how I co-created the space for it. I’m also continuing to build stronger boundaries, and remembering that not everyone is going to like us! 

As You Spread Your Wings, You Bump into More Things

I’ve heard, and now believe, that the clearer we get about who we are and what we’re doing here, the more powerful and purposeful we are on that path, the more people will find us off-putting or threatening (and unlikable)!  I’ve heard it said that if you’re not offending anyone, you’re not taking a strong enough stand!  Intriguing concept, and I’m seeing a good deal of validity in it.

As I’ve been experiencing some challenging feedback that didn’t feel as if it were coming from a pure place, perhaps you have too?  I hope not, but if so, please remember this: 

You’re awesome, and you’re working very diligently to come from a place of service and to help many, from your heart.  You are special, and it’s time to stop shying away from your specialness. 

You have the right to share your uniqueness in a powerful way with others.  And if others bristle or lash out, don’t dishonor yourself by beating yourself up that you’ve done something wrong.  Treat yourself with love and compassion (and find compassion in your heart for the “hater”).  But also find the courage (and take the time) to learn the important lessons you need to experience, all along the way.
 
Brush Those “Haters” Off!
 
If someone tears you down with cruelty or out of spite or jealously, brush the “hater” off and pick yourself up!  Don’t be dragged down.  Certainly, find compassion and understanding in your heart, but remember that only you can understand and recognize your true path.  Keep true to yourself, and don’t let the detractors knock you down.
(Deep thanks go to my amazing virtual assistant — Yoana Brecker, of Advantage Virtual Support — for that sound and caring piece of advice!)
 
Have you been “put down” lately out of the blue?  What did it teach you?  Please SHARE.

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Posted in Books, Breakthroughs, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Wake Up Calls | 8 Comments »

Three Critical Success Steps for Professional Women

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

In the past several years, I’ve had the great pleasure of coaching and partnering with some amazing women in the U.S. – senior managers and leaders in Fortune 500 companies and non-profits who absolutely love their work, relish their roles, and feel they’re able to apply their many gifts and talents to achieve heart-aligned professional goals.  These women are fortunate indeed, but they’ve also co-created their great success through hard work, commitment, and dedication.

Yet even among women leaders who’ve accomplished much, I’ve observed one behavior that holds women back from greater leadership success.  It’s this – when women are concerned about their perceived weaknesses or knowledge gaps, they tend to isolate, and work hard to hide their “imperfections.”  They don’t realize that we simply can’t reach our potential if we don’t 1) admit the need for growth and 2) find empowering help to get it.

In order for professional women to stretch to reach their best, they need to take action to close their power gaps, and find support on a continual basis from inspiring, successful, heart-aligned women leaders.  But how?

Take these three action steps:

1)      Find a Visual Role Model/Mentor Who Inspires You – OUTSIDE of your company

Find an inspiring female mentor who is a living, breathing example of where you want to go and who you wish to be.  Make sure this female leader is speaking, behaving, managing and leading as you wish to. And have your most relied-upon mentor come from OUTSIDE of your firm.

 A wonderful client of mine mentioned to me that her male boss liked the idea of her finding a mentor, and recommended she use a fellow one level above her at the company as her mentor.  My response to that was, “Sure, that’s fine, but it’s not enough.”

You need to find a powerful mentor OUTSIDE your company as well, and make sure it’s a woman!  Yes, men can and will be wonderful supporters of your work, and you can find fabulous mentors within your company.  Do it. 

 But for the one mentor who is going to help you be all you wish to be, ask a female leader outside your immediate realm – someone with whom you can be perfectly authentic and candid —  a woman who will have your best interests at heart.  Find an individual who isn’t tempted to feel competitive with you, doesn’t have an agenda working with you, and isn’t compromised when you tell her exactly how you feel. 

Why choose a woman as your mentor?  Because we believe what we see – and when you interact closely with other powerful and enlightening female leaders who are expert at achieving their passion, power, and purpose at work, then you’ll be one step closer to that as well.

2)      Join Your Industry’s Best National and Regional Organizations for Women

As female leaders and managers, it’s essential that you connect with women in your region and nationally who are engaged in developing your profession and moving it forward for women. This is not to bash men, but corporate America was founded on a “white male competitive career model” that simply doesn’t fit a majority of women.   This will change – it has to.  But it will take a very long time. 

In the meantime, there are still powerful assumptions and expectations about what makes a successful professional that don’t, in general, align with thousands of women’s priorities, values and goals today.  (See my book Breakdown Breakthrough for more about this ill-fitting model and the 12 “hidden” crises working women face today).

So don’t wait. Locate the leading organizations in your field that support women, and join them.  Invest in membership (yes, my friends, you must invest in yourself) and become active in your chapter and nationally – it will change how you see yourself, your work, and your possibilities.

3)      Close Your “Power Gaps”

Finally, no matter who you are, you have insecurities (unless you’re a narcissist).  There will always be areas that you wish were stronger, that you’re afraid others will shine the light on, exposing your flaws and “weaknesses.”  It’s universal – we’re ALL afraid of being “found out” to some degree. 

So rather than spend any more precious time and energy hiding or over-compensating for the areas in which you need to grow,  get into the cage with your fears and do something about them.  Figure out exactly what training, education, credentials, experiences or new knowledge you need to acquire to feel more competent in your job, and go out and get them. And if you can, ask your employer to support you in this training and education.  Once you’ve addressed your perceived weaknesses, you’ll be amazed at how much more powerful and confident you feel and act.

Trust me when I say that getting help to courageously address your competency gaps will change you, and you’ll be delighted with the outcome.

What are your “power gaps?”  Where do you feel “less than?”  And who can serve as your powerful female mentor to help you overcome these gaps?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Women in Leadership | No Comments »

Mistake #3 – Letting the “Pendulum Effect” Rule My Life

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

Hi Friends,

Happy to share my latest vblog on my Mistake #3 – Letting the “Pendulum Effect” Rule My Life – another installment of My 52 Mistakes.

This mistake is all about waiting too long to make change, resisting what is, then being devastating and jumping to the opposite extreme, only to discover the same yucky stuff awaits (because you haven’t done the inner and outer work to overcome these same challenges).

I’d love your thoughts.  Does the Pendulum Effect rule your life? And what have you done to stay more balanced and grounded rather than swinging from extreme to extreme?

Please send me a video blog or story of your own, and share it on the new facebook page for this project, My 52 Mistakes.  Thanks so much for commenting and spreading it along!

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Posted in Advice, Challenges, Empowerment, Featured, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, My 52 Mistakes | No Comments »

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