Posts Tagged ‘Kathy Caprino’

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Before You Ask Someone for Free Help, Reconsider

Friday, October 7th, 2011

HELPI’ve been utterly floored this past month by the volume of requests I’ve received for FREE help from complete strangers, and by the nature and content of these requests. 

The bulk of these requests have come in from readers of my article LinkedIn: Busting 8 Damaging Myths About What It Can Do For Your Career, that ran on Forbes.com on September 13th.  It surprised all of us (the Forbes editors and me) as it blew up on the front page and was viewed by over 60,000 people.  

That week, I literally heard from over 150 folks asking for all sorts of free help and I continue to get requests, including my review and recommendations on: their LinkedIn profiles, resumes, job or career options, potential career changes, interview approaches, how to get testimonials, and on and on.

What I’m stunned about is that in all of these requests for free help, not ONE person offered to pay for my time, or suggested bartering with something of value.  They simply wanted help without offering anything in return.   Perhaps I’m crazy, but I would never ask a stranger for help in this way.

Further, a good number of these requests for free help were:

1)      Urgent – “I have an urgent career decision to make. Can you respond asap?”

REALLY?

 2)      Disrespectful – These folks didn’t care or consider for a second that I make my living offering career counsel.  I’m not a non-profit or a charity; I’m a business owner.  And I’m really good at what I do, after years of training and experience.  It takes a significant amount of time and energy to review someone’s information/situation and offer tailored recommendations.  I deserve to be paid for my time and effort. 

(For the record, I do offer my time for free, but on a very selective basis to organizations and non-profits that have a broad reach and help hundreds of people through their services.)

 3)      Narcissistic – It’s all about them, and what they need and how soon.  Never a second thought about what I might need in order to be of service to them.

4)      Clueless – It’s clear that these folks hadn’t a clue that theirs was one of hundreds of similar requests, and as such, impossible to accommodate without their becoming a client of mine, and having time scheduled in my calendar.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m truly honored and excited that my writing touched a chord and resonated with so many people, and I certainly hope that trend continues.  And I do LOVE to be of service to people, helping them make positive change.  And I love hearing from folks about how my writing impacted them.

That being said, I’m tired and fed up with free help requests.  It remains shocking to me that so many people all across the globe who want help forget to be considerate and respectful of those they’re asking support from.  Come on people!  Let’s reverse that trend.

My hope is that going forward, anyone who asks another individual for free help will be more considerate and thoughtful prior to making the request.  Think about what the helping party deserves for his/her support, what it will take from them to give you the help you want, and what you can offer in return.  If you can’t offer money, think about what you can provide that would be meaningful.  NEVER ask without considering these issues beforehand.

One more thing – for every request you make for FREE help, offer someone else free help instead.

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Posted in Advice, Careers, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino | 8 Comments »

What I Learned From Writing about LinkedIn on Forbes.com

Friday, September 30th, 2011

On September 13, I posted an article on Forbes.com about LinkedIn.  I covered what I felt were the 8 myths about what LinkedIn can (and can’t) do for your life and your career.  At that time, I was a contributor on ForbesWoman through the blog of my favorite women’s organization 85Broads (see their terrific ForbesWoman blog).

Here’s the piece:
LinkedIn: Busting 8 Damaging Myths about What It Can Do For Your Career.

This article truly struck a chord like no other piece I’ve written to date.  It became the most viewed piece on Forbes.com that day (more than 60,000 views!), and landed on the Forbes homepage.  Over 12,000 people shared it on LinkedIn, and the feedback I received was nothing short of astounding.  I was invited by over 300 folks to connect, and received 200+ emails, as well as speaking inquiries, blogging opportunities, consulting queries, requests for profile edits, and more. 

I was truly shocked that this little, informal piece about LinkedIn would be so hungrily consumed.  From the feedback I received in the days following the post, I now know the following about LinkedIn:

1) When over 100 million people engage in something, it’s a massive force of nature.

2) While so many of us use LinkedIn for hours each day, there is still rampant confusion and overwhelm about how to make it work most effectively.

3) Millions of people are hoping it’s some kind of a magic bullet – that it will fix things (like get you a job, or make your career better) that a professional networking tool simply cannot.

4) Rules of effective engaging (in life and on LinkedIn) are still a mystery to many.

5) Making the most of LinkedIn’s abilities is still out of reach for most.

6) As evolved as we are, humans still need a lot of help in learning how to meaningfully engage, connect and be in mutually beneficial community with each other.

I also learned a thing or two about writing.  Here’s what I gleaned:

1) When you write about something 100 million people care about (and happen to be a part of a large media platform), you get read.

2) When you share authentic views and aren’t afraid to be seen as a “contrarian” (and add to a national conversation), you get read.

3) When you aim to help people understand something important that’s hard to understand, you get read.

4) When you write something that just flows out of you quickly and easily (and don’t over-agonize or worry if it’s good), you write better.

I’m so grateful that this little piece just came pouring out, and that I didn’t over-analyze its merit.  I just offered it up to the editor, and hoped someone, someday might enjoy it.  From this, I got my own ForbesWoman blog (thank you, @ForbesWoman - here’s today’s piece).  And I was lucky enough to experience having a piece published that happened to be useful to good number of folks, and was a blast to create.

But I’m still scratching my head a bit about the appeal of this piece, and I’d love your feedback to help me understand it.  Can you please share…

1) Why do you think this piece struck such a chord?

2) What have you thought about the other information/pieces you’ve read about LinkedIn (have they been helpful to you?)

3) How have YOU felt when something you wrote or created surprisingly reached thousands of people?

Please SHARE your candid (and contrarian) views! I’d love to know…Thanks, my friends.

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Kathy Caprino, Uncategorized, social media | 4 Comments »

10 Key Ways That Being More Positive Enhances Your Career and Your Life

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

As a trained marriage and family therapist and career coach, I’ve researched for over eight years what makes some people highly successful interpersonally and in business, and others doomed to fail.

I’ve observed this: Being more positive in your behaviors and language makes room for far greater success, satisfaction and reward in your life (this goes for your marriage and family life too). 

In Marriage as In Life and Work

During my therapy training, I read a fascinating book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  In it, the author, leading relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, explains that there are particular types of negative interactions that, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  These four horsemen “clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order : criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.”

I’ve seen these exact same harbingers of professional disaster in the workplace as well. Allowed to run unfettered, these Four Horsemen will certainly clip-clop into the heart of your career and professional life with a deadly thud.

Dr. Gottman discovered a formula he believes is provable and reliable – that to make your marriage successful, you must ensure that there are five times more positive, loving interactions than negative, painful interactions between you and your spouse. If you don’t adhere to this formula, serious unhappiness ensues.  And if you dip toward the 1:1 ratio consistently, he says you’re likely to end in divorce.  He can watch a couple discuss a problem or conflict for only a few minutes, and predict with eerie accuracy if they’ll eventually end in divorce.

Interestingly, I’ve seen the relevance of this positive-to-negative interaction formula in people’s careers and professional endeavors as well.  Those who are consistently more negative than positive in their communications and interactions suffer from an untimely demise of their career potential.

Why is Negativity So Destructive? 

Negativity limits, constrains and tears down.  Negativity also tends to escalate, and as it does, it strips away future opportunities for success, self-esteem, trust, confidence, and growth.

What Does Positivity Do Instead?

Being positive, on the other hand, has the opposite effect – it builds, repairs, and protects.  Using positive language and behaviors builds up support structures and creates new roads to solutions and success.  It paves the way for a deeper level of human connection, compassion, and creativity.

 In fact, I’ve found that concentrating your focus on being more positive as you engage in your professional endeavors achieves the following 10 powerful outcomes:

Being more positive:

1)      Helps you engage with others more effectively and gain support more easily for your ideas and initiatives

2)      Develops you as a role model and someone to “watch,” admire and learn from

3)      Gives you greater positive impact and influence on your culture, your environment and your colleagues (positive language and emotion are magnets)

4)      Boosts your “immunity” to negative outside occurrences  – you become more resilient and bounce back quicker

5)      Inspires others around you to find the courage to seek — and move toward — the positive

6)      Strengthens your ability to advocate effectively for yourself and others,  which in turn attracts more opportunity for all involved

7)      Paves the way for more collaborative success rather than crushing competition

8)      Builds your reputation as someone worthy of trust and support

9)      Helps you see possibility where others see only hopelessness

10)   Brings to light your achievements and accomplishments rather than highlighting your failures

In the end, positivity paves the way for growth, and growth breeds success. 

You might be thinking, “Sure, I know being positive is important, but I can’t seem to shift myself out of my negative thinking, especially with all this bad news around us today.” 

If this sounds like you, I’d ask you to think again.  We CAN change and modify – it’s called evolving.  We ARE able to shift ourselves away from negative, destructive and damaging negative patterns to more positive ones – in our relationships and in our work.  I know, because I’ve worked extremely hard to create these shifts in myself and in my career, and have seen countless others do the same, to great success. 

If you will make the commitment today to engage in more positive behaviors and thoughts in your life and work, I know you won’t regret it.

Your challenge:  This week, take a very close look at your communications and interactions at work.   What is the ratio of your positive communications to negative ones?  If the ratio is at least 5 (positive) to 1 (negative), kudos to you!  If not, there’s some important work to be done.

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Posted in Advice, Breakthroughs, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, success | 4 Comments »

10 Ways to Be Better, Not Bitter Through Deep Challenge

Monday, July 18th, 2011

Working as a therapist and career coach over these past eight years, I’ve seen what life can do to people.  I’ve observed deep trauma and crisis, such as when a beloved spouse abandons his/her family for another lover, exclaiming to the marital partner of 20 years, “I’m sorry, but I never loved you.”

I’ve seen drug addiction and alcoholism ruin people’s futures.  I’ve witnessed cruelty, obsession, abuse, and despair, and watched uncontrolled midlife crisis wreak havoc on families.  And I’ve watched these harsh economic times bring men and women to their knees.

All through it, I’ve seen people broken by their despair, as well as those who have risen above – who’ve become better, not bitter.

How do some people turn their crises into fuel for positive change, while others become angry, resentful, victimized, and hopeless – beaten by their challenges?

There are 10 traits I’ve observed in those who find a way to be better, not bitter, after tribulation and crisis.  These 10 traits are:

1.   They remain accountable.  They realize their part in what’s happened to them, and don’t play the victim game.

2.   They are optimistic.  Despite what’s happened, they hold tight to a hope for a brighter future.

3.  They are well-boundaried. They know where they begin, and others end.  They keep compassion alive in their hearts, despite what’s happening around them, and they tune out the negativity, gossip and cruel judgments others throw at them.

4.   They ask for help. They reach out for support when they need it, and they get it.

5.   They find lessons in their challenges. They seek to learn and grow from all their experiences, and refuse to be broken by them.

6.   They avoid self-hatred and self-reproach.  They know they’ve made some big mistakes – and admit them full out — but find a way to be self-accepting and forgiving through it all.

7.   They revise their negative behaviors. They understand that repeating the same negative behaviors and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.  They change their ways.

8. They let go of the need to control. They have an ability to bend and be flexible, and go with the flow of what life gives them.  They don’t break themselves against what comes their way.

9. They see a bigger picture than what is before them. Despite how bleak the moment may appear, they have a deep sense of connection to the world and to life, and they sense that there’s a bigger picture unfolding than what meets the eye.

10. They have the courage to embrace change. As scary as change can be, they embrace it and accept that it is within change that expansion — and a richer, more satisfying life — lies.

If you’ve faced tremendous challenges these past several  years but want to be better, not bitter, take a look at these traits, and examine the degree to which these match your behaviors.  The closer you come to embracing these traits, the freer you’ll be from the sadness, regret, and limitations of your past.  You’ll let go of what isn’t working, and you’ll co-create a new future that is more joyful and rewarding than you ever imagined.

Are you stuck in bitter, or flowing towards “better?”

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Posted in Advice, Breakthroughs, Challenges, Empowerment, Men and Women, Wake Up Calls | 12 Comments »

Why Midlife Rocks Your World

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

I was speaking today with a wonderful client of mine – let’s call her “Carol,” who shared a story about her views of midlife BEFORE she had arrived in midlife, and then what happened when her 40’s came.

She shared,

It’s funny – when I was my early 30’s, and I’d hear about someone having a ‘midlife crisis,’ I’d think to myself, “Wow, I don’t really get that.  I’m focused, doing what I need to, experiencing success, the kids are good, things are moving along well.  I can’t imagine waking up to wanting a whole new life or finding out that what I have I don’t want.”

But when I turned 43, something happened.  I awakened somehow – after a series of tough events and challenges — to wanting more, wanting different.  It’s like I suddenly saw my whole life differently through the eyes of a middle-ager.  The career I spent years rising to the top of, somehow lost its hold on me – it felt empty and unimportant, silly almost.  My relationship with my husband had some serious problems too over the years that took a terrible toll on me, but I never allowed myself to stop and look at that – I just powered through it all.  

Now that my kids are older and I’m not needed in the same, day-to-day way, I find that I truly want a different life – a life that’s mine – based on what I value and what I love.  I don’t want to just push down what isn’t working.  I want to bring it out and resolve it, or let it go. 

I get it now – a “midlife crisis” isn’t a cliché.  It’s real and it’s powerful. 

Carol speaks for thousands of folks who’ve awakened in midlife to realizing that what they’ve created in their 20s and 30s just doesn’t fit who they’ve become. (You can read about my midlife breakthrough in my book Breakdown Breakthrough).

Why is midlife a time of major transition?

I’ve observed that the following contribute to our re-awakening in midlife and wanting change:

1)  A time of reckoning and re-evaluation – Realizing that your life is potentially more than half over is a jarring experience, and brings with it a sense of urgency to live more authentically, more joyfully.  At 50, we just want different things than we did at 30.

2)  Kids are out of the house – Without the pressing parenting responsibilities that can be all-consuming, there’s room to think, room to breathe, and quiet space to hear yourself dream.

3)  Friends start to die – My husband and I discussed this just yesterday, that a number of our 50+-year-old friends have died – from sudden illness, cancer, heart attack, etc.  When your friends die, you think hard.

4)  Longings won’t be suppressed – After working so hard crafting a “successful” life, we get tired of it.  Instead of some outward version of “success,” we long for joy, excitement, passion, peace — we want to live life more fully, on our terms.

5) We know how to speak up – We won’t be talked down to anymore.  We’ve lived through that, and we’ve learned how to stand up, speak up and power up.  We won’t tolerate put downs, manipulation or pressure like we used to.

6)  We’ve finally earned it – Finally, after all you’ve strived for, accomplished, created, and achieved, you know what you’re capable of.  You won’t stand for less.  You have the confidence and the courage to embrace the idea that’s been skulking around in your mind for years.  You’re ready to admit, “This can’t be all there is.  I know there’s more for me.”

So, my friends, if you’re in midlife and wondering why everything looks and feels different, don’t be alarmed.  It’s a natural, normal life progression – a stage that doesn’t have to represent hell. 

But don’t resist it and break yourself against it like a rock – embrace it.  Let yourself look into the deep recesses of your heart, mind, and soul, to find clues of who you want to become now, and what you want to create in this next thrilling chapter.  It’s a new time, waiting for a fuller, more expansive you.

Midlife can pave the way to a glorious reclamation of your passion, power and purpose – go for it!

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Following Your Dreams, Kathy Caprino, Support for Change, Wake Up Calls | 3 Comments »

The Top Six Reasons People Want to Leave Their Careers

Monday, July 11th, 2011

(Thrilled that this piece was published on Forbes.com last week!)

As a career and executive coach, I’ve spoken with hundreds of professionals who’ve shared some version of, “I really want to leave my job and change my career, but I’m not sure what to do or where to go from here.”

If I’ve heard this message once, I’ve heard it 1000 times now.  People spend years crafting careers that appear successful on the outside, only to find that at some point, usually in midlife, the career comes up short. It’s missing a vital component (or several) that turns the work into something dreaded – less than fulfilling, lacking in purpose, unstable, inauthentic, unsustainable, or a combination of all of the above.

I’ve personally lived this experienced as well – waking up at age 40 to depression, exhaustion, chronic illness, lack of ability to balance my family life and work, and feeling completely disengaged from the corporate professional identity I’d spent 18 years forging (see Breakdown Breakthrough for more).

Why are so many folks miserable in their work and long for change?

Here’s what I’ve found to be the top six reasons people are dissatisfied with their work and want out:

1. Balance: They find it impossible to balance work and outside/family life
2. Money: The money they earn isn’t enough to sustain them or their families
3. Skills: The skills and talents required for their work aren’t are a good fit
4. Respect: They feel chronically undervalued or mistreated
5. Meaning: They experience little positive meaning or purpose in their work
6. Struggle: It’s simply too hard to keep going with it

In short, they’re saying: “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this.”

As the economy rallies, more and more employees are asking themselves, “Can I leave my job yet?”  But I’ve discovered that if the above challenges aren’t effectively addressed in some core way BEFORE you leave your current job or career, they’ll follow you wherever you go. 

If the above describes your experience, read on for some tips to help you create the change you want — away from feeling trapped, toward feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today.

1) Commit Yourself to What You Want

A fulfilling, satisfying life is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it with concentrated, continual effort.  You have to work it. 

How?  First, figure out what is the most important thing in the whole world to you.  What matters more than anything else?  (For more on this, see Ric Elias’ moving TED Talk on 3 Lessons I Learned As My Plane Crashed). 

Formulate this priority in terms of a “to be” statement such as “to be a great parent” or “to be a successful entrepreneur” or “to be a helper of others.”   Then commit yourself to honoring this priority.  Stop over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go being perfect in the areas that don’t matter to you.

2) Refine Your Focus

Do you know exactly which talents and skills are easy and natural for you to use, that give your work a sense of purpose?  Do you know what type of work would represent an ideal fit? Are you in touch with your core values, standards of integrity and life goals? 

We have to understand our unique answers to these questions before we even contemplate making a major career change.  Why? Because if you don’t understand who you are and what you want uniquely, you’ll end up making career change based on the wrong reasons and incomplete information, and the new career will disappoint you once again.

Take my Career Path Assessment (CLICK HERE to access the free Assessment survey) and figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again. Then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap your true and natural talents more frequently and deeply.

3) Access the Courage to Make Change

During the eight years I’ve been a career coach, I’ve literally met thousands of miserable, depressed professionals who share their story of misery, but then do nothing concrete about it.  I’ve analyzed why this is so – why so many people remain paralyzed in their misery – and I have some hypotheses as to what holds us back from life change (stay tuned for an upcoming blog post on that). 

But what I do know is that if you don’t take concrete action that is different in content and process from what you’ve done before, your life and career will not change.

In the end, you can’t solve a problem on the level it was created.

Whether you’re in your own business and it’s simply not working, or the job you’re in brings too much struggle every day, it’s time for change.  Let’s face it, most of us wait until there’s a full-blown crisis (read about the 12 “hidden” crises working women face) before we do something different.  I’ve personally lived through all 12 of the major crises professional women face, so I get it.  But I’m asking you NOT to make the same mistakes I did.  Get outside your own head, and get outside help to figure out what you really want, and how to get it.

So, what’s your top reason for wanting out of your line of work?  And are you ready to do something about it?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino | 2 Comments »

Are Your Values Keeping You From Earning More Money?

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

Last week, I had the immense pleasure of conducting a coaching training course for the CT Women’s Business Development Council.  I shared the day with an amazing, inspiring group of women who work throughout Connecticut and are heart-committed to helping others get on more solid ground with their finances.  (By the way, if you don’t know about the Women’s Business Development Council, do check them out!).

In the program, we conducted a number of role-play exercises illustrating the power of coaching, and one exercise truly took me by surprise.  In this exercise, each of us explored our intrinsic, heart-felt values – what we care about deeply and what we need in our lives to feel fulfilled and to craft a life worth living. 

After the exercise, we evaluated how these values are supporting us, and also how they may be clashing, in fact, with our desire and need to make more money, and to save and invest wisely. Fascinating discussion…

In doing the internal work of this exercise myself, I was reminded that I value the following traits very highly in my work:

1) Helping people make positive, lasting change (value: making a difference)
2) Authenticity and individuality (value: truth-telling)
3) Offering help and insights based on reality (value: realism)
4) Delivering programs informed by research (value: expertise/diligence)
4) Endeavoring to offer something of value that exceeds what my clients pay (value: service)

When I compare my values and behaviors to those of some other service providers, I see key differences.  A large number (not a majority perhaps, but many) consultants and providers these days seem to value making money over all else, by:

-  Using hard-hitting marketing promises to convince clients about what they can achieve (no matter how likely those outcomes are)
- Accepting clients who are desperate financially, but don’t have the ability to recoup the money they invest in the coach/consultant
- Encouraging clients to put out programs and materials that offer less than high value or strong content
- Making abundant success sound very easy and very accessible to all
- Talking about how they personally made their money, not what the client needs to do in these times to make their own money
- Using fear tactics to scare clients into thinking if they don’t hire the consultant/coach, they’ll fail

On the contrary, when I looked very closely at my own values as well as my outer behaviors, I realized that my intrinsic values have prompted actions that in some ways clashed with my desired outcome of inviting more money into my business. As an example, I tend to give far too much away for free and then feel resentful and angry, and I have a hard time honoring my own boundaries about the type of coaching projects I will and will not accept.

After a long, hard evaluation, I now understand that what I want to change is not my values, but the way in which I express them.  For instance, I’m focused more keenly on being of service to people who are in synch with me about what they value and the outcomes they wish to produce.  I’m also more committed to working with those who are happy and able to pay fairly for the time and support they receive. 

The ultimate goal, I think, is to honor your values fully, while engaging in conscious behaviors that are in alignment with who you really are and what you want in life.

It’s a very powerful exercise to understand exactly what you value, and explore how these values prompt unconscious behaviors that hold you back from achieving core goals such as greater financial success.  I’d recommend doing this exercise today!

Question for the day: What do you value deeply in your life and work?  And how might these values be (unconsciously) promoting behaviors that hold you back from creating a higher level of desired success. Please share what you discover!  

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Living Real, Marketing Support, Uncategorized, Women in Business | 3 Comments »

Loving Who They Are and Who They Aren’t

Sunday, June 5th, 2011

A few days ago, I was taking a break with a friend, sitting outside in a beautiful park, soaking up the sun.  I relished the chance to sit quietly in nature and catch up.  We got around to discussing our personal lives and the inner workings of our family dynamics.

We shared, laughed, winced, and sighed – at all the things that are going very well, and those things that we wished might have been different.  (It’s wonderful to a have a friend you can be truly candid and authentic with, isn’t it?) What a gift.

After sharing a bit about our perceived triumphs and disappointments, my friend said something that reached in and plucked a heartstring for me.  She said:

“Kathy, I’ve realized that in order to be happy and not drive myself mad, I have to love my kids and my husband for who they are, but also for who they aren’t.”

Wow, did that resonate for me.

My friend was talking about that fact that, despite everything we try to do for our family, and how hard we strive to shape them (and our relationships) in ways we think are healthy, happy and productive — they’re just not always going to be who we think they should be, or who we think we want them to be.

But rather than waste precious time longing for them to be different, it’s so much more peaceful and fulfilling to accept them as they are, and love them for who they and for who they are not.  It’s an easier and more joyful life when we embrace the idea that if parts of our loved ones were different – even tiny fragments or slivered dimensions — they simply wouldn’t be the people we love so deeply.

Our discussion reminded me of something my husband said to me years ago when we were first married.  I was picking a quarrel with him about something insignificant about his behavior (some imagined huge “flaw” of his that I was deeply annoyed about), and he said,

“You know, Kathy, I don’t view you and our relationship the way you do.  I don’t extract out the small, petty things I don’t like, examine them and make a federal case of them, or wish they were different.  I accept what is.  I look at you as a whole package that I’ve married – not something I can dissect and separate into little pieces that are good or bad.  I take the whole thing.”  

My friend and I explored this, and agreed that women seem to do more of this “separate, evaluate, and denigrate” thing.   We hone in on the stuff that we believe should be modified.  We magnify it and make it a huge bone of contention.  Men on the other hand, don’t seem to have this ever-constant need to pick us apart and talk to death about the stuff they wish were different.

Whether it’s a gender thing or not, I know this to be true – when I am able to fully accept my family (and everyone else I know, for that matter, including myself), my life goes better. 

My job, I realize, isn’t to play creator or “tinkerer” – it’s to be fully present, alive, loving and accepting, to the greatest degree I can.

When I’m able to do that, I realize that all is just as it should be.

How about you – Do you find more joy and peace when you accept your loved ones for who they are, rather than tinker with them to be someone else?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Feeling Your Best, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Living Real, Tips for Empowerment | 10 Comments »

What My Five Careers Have Taught Me: Top 10 Lessons of Career Reinvention

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

I’ve significantly revised my career numerous times over my 25 years of working, and each time, I’ve learned some powerful, surprising lessons — about myself, my capabilities, perceptions, misconceptions, and about what it takes for me to attain what I want.

Each career shift led me down a new path, and often, the destination wasn’t at all what I’d hoped or planned.  Huge mistakes were made, certainly, but what I’ve learned has been of great value and utility, allowing me to focus ever more closely on what matters to me.

As I examine my trajectory, my career paths have involved the following fields, industries, and skills (or a combination of these):

  • Copywriting and marketing – in scientific publishing
  • New product development and market research – in book clubs, publishing and membership services
  • Marketing – professional book clubs
  • Product Management –  in consumer membership services
  • Marriage and Family Therapy
  • Life/Career Coaching
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Women’s Career/Executive Coaching
  • Writing, Speaking
  • Marketing Consulting for Entrepreneurs
  • Executive Recruiting

In remembering who I was as a youngster and young adult, and all the endeavors I loved throughout my life and the roles I’ve assumed, I can now see core, recurring themes about who I am and what I love to do,  including:

  • Understanding human behavior
  • Helping address people’s needs
  • Serving as a empathic listener
  • Discovering and testing new models and creating new solutions
  • Transforming chaos into order
  • Identifying compelling messages/benefits and finding well-matched receivers of those products/benefits
  • Communicating through writing, speaking and performing
  • Using positive thinking and positivity models to be of help
  • Connecting people with endeavors they thrive at
  • Supporting people through dramatic change

I’ve marveled at how my deepest values, preferences, and interests have remained almost unchanged since I was a child, and I’ve seen this same phenomenon in hundreds of folks I’ve coached.

The key lesson I’ve learned through my career reinventions is this– what you loved as a child and young person you most likely still love.  And the key to having a fulfilling professional life is to find the right form in which to honor the essence of who you are and what you love.

As one of my favorite authors, Maria Nemeth, of The Energy of Money says, we’re all happiest when we’re giving form to our Life Intentions in ways that support our lives and help the world.

 So what have my numerous careers taught me?  Here are my top 10 lessons:

1)      Starting over as a beginner is a refreshing, and empowering step that keeps you engaged and enlivened

2)      Being a non-expert reconnects you to your humility

3)      You need a great deal of help from others to be who you want to be

4)       You have core skills and talents that long to be utilized in this lifetime (and you’ll be sick and sad if you deny them)

5)      If you’re doing something you love, but the form of it doesn’t fit your life needs and priorities, you’ll suffer

6)      You can’t hurry love – you won’t succeed if you’re in a desperate rush to be great at something you love

7)      Applying yourself to something new reaffirms your courage, gifts and weaknesses, and what you need to heal in yourself

8)      There is absolutely no security or stability except in what you feel inside of yourself

9)      There is no perfect career – there’s only the perfectly imperfect journey of applying yourself to something you love and value

10)   Embracing a new professional identity changes you because of the new realities you create (which is completely different from dreaming about it from the outside, for all eternity)

I remember being moved after reading this beautiful passage from Viktor Frankl’s powerful book, Man’s Search for Meaning, (a MUST-read book for everyone), and it has stuck with me all these years:

“…The person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man who removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and carefully away with its predecessors, after first having jotted down a few diary notes on the back. He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness set down in these notes, on all the life he has already lived to the fullest.  What will it matter to him if he notices that he is growing old? Has he any reason to envy the young people he sees, or wax nostalgic over his own lost youth? What reasons has he to envy a young person?  For the possibilities the young person has, the future which is in store for him? “No thank you,” he will think. “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered.  These sufferings are even the things of which I’m most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.”

In the end, it’s about living life to the fullest.  If finding new work is something you dream of, all I can say to you is, “Do it.”

What new work do you dream about doing?  Do you have the courage to make that dream a reality?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Following Your Dreams, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Support for Change, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

The Wrong Kind of Help – Six Key Traits of “Help” that Hurts

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

As an empowerment researcher, I’ve studied for eight years what constitutes “helpful” help versus advice or counsel that diminishes and demeans, or sends you in the wrong direction.

The sad news is that thousands of so-called “helpers” in our world today – our family members, friends, service providers of all walks (doctors, lawyers, financial consultants, therapists, coaches, counselors, intuitive, healers, etc.) – simply haven’t done the inner and outer work they need to, to offer empowering, uplifting support.  Instead, the assistance they give is the disempowering kind, dragging us down, keeping us stuck at the same problematic level we seek to rise above.

In my therapy training and work as a career coach, I’ve learned (and tell my clients openly) that only they can discern if the help they’re getting is right for them.  And they should walk away immediately when it’s not.

Each individual has his/her own unique personality, values, beliefs, traits, needs, and priorities – and these coalesce in a way that is individual and special. So the help you receive needs to honor that individuality – and make you right, not wrong. 

My advice to folks seeking help is this – if after the first meeting with the helper you feel empowered, excited, and validated,  and if the help allows you to progress in satisfying ways, then it’s a good match.  If on the other hand, you feel demeaned or misunderstood, challenged in negative ways, and discouraged,  then it’s time to change your helper.

What Kind of Help is the Hurting Kind?

The following are hallmarks of assistance that is wrong for you – and ends up being hurtful not helpful.

You’ll know “bad” help when:

  1. The helper claims s/he is an expert about you (it’s not true – you’re the expert about you)
  2. The help is one-size-fits-all, that applies the same tools and approaches to everyone  – it’s not tailored to your individualized case or scenario
  3. The helper assumes you need “fixing” or believes you’re the problem
  4. The help you receive keeps you stuck  –  you keep experiencing the same the problems over and over
  5. The helper is enmeshed with you – s/he does not support you to grow beyond the help they give
    (I hate to say it, folks, but there are many therapists, coaches and consultants out there who WANT you to keep you coming back because of the money it makes them or because they want you to need them.  I see this in some exorbitantly-paid therapists and consultants all the time.)
  6. Receiving help is a negative experience that drains you of your vitality, hope, and excitement for life. (Or, on the other hand, the help is so overly-optimistic that it doesn’t reflect reality and leads you astray).

 My world is about helping professional women achieve their highest visions.  As I’ve moved into the leadership arena, I’ve seen a lot out there that calls itself “leadership coaching” for women, claiming that it helps women advance.  But what I see instead is a good deal of faulty advice or information that tells women they’re wrong for how they feel and what they want. 

To counter this, I’m launching a new yearlong, 12-part Career Enhancement Program for corporate women for corporate organizations, designed to enliven and support professional women to attain the career visions they hold most exciting and fulfilling.  I aim to provide the highest form of help I can – assistance that achieves the following goals:

Empowering Support:

1)      Validates you – Makes you right (not wrong); focuses NOT on “fixing”you, but honoring who you are at your core

2)      Tailors the help to your specific values, beliefs and needs – not one-size-fits- all

3)      Strengthens and stretches you, helping you see your greatest talents and strengths as well as growth areas

4)      Takes you to a new level – so you overcome previous challenges and are ready for new ones

5)      Encourages you to be more of who you already are – authentically and with integrity, so you can help others
expand and grow as well

6)      Fills you up so you want to experience even more of life and work – gives you a deep and thorough understanding of who you are and where you want to go, realistically.

If your organization is committed to inclusion and diversity, and wants to support professional women’s growth, I hope you’ll reach out – I’d love to offer this 12-month Career Enhancement Program to you and your colleagues.

In the meantime, please remember that getting outside your own head and asking for support to overcome your specific challenges is vitally important.  But choosing the right kind of help– the kind that allows you to move toward the highest and best version of you – is the most important choice of all.  And only you can choose the best help for you.

What kind of help works best for you? And have you ever received help that hurts?

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Posted in Advice, Careers, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Leadership, Women in Business, Women in Leadership, success | No Comments »

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