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The 7 Reasons Women Don’t Talk About Success

Friday, January 6th, 2012
Français : L'actrice américaine Shirley MacLai...

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As a career and executive coach dedicated to the advancement of women, it’s not often these days that I’m surprised by women’s behavior. I know women – especially midlife ones – quite well, or so I thought.    But I’ve been rocked recently by a finding that’s emerging from my research on Women Succeeding Abundantly.  This study explores the stories of working women across the country, ages 25 to 75 who are experiencing abundant success on their own terms as they define it, and are thriving and living joyfully.

I’m learning as the study progresses that women are much more comfortable talking about how things are not what they want in their lives, than they are sharing about their successes. They just very reluctant to come forward and admit, “Hey, I’m really successful, and I’m proud of that!”

A friend of mine recently shared with me that when Shirley MacLaine won her Oscar in 1984 for her role in “Terms of Endearment,” she was certainly grateful in her acceptance speech, but also declared, “Thanks, I deserve this!” 

Nuggets of Shirley’s speech…

“I don’t believe there are such things as accidents.  I think that we all manifest what we want and what we need.  I don’t think there’s a difference really between what you feel you have to do in your heart, and success – they’re inseparable…Films and life are like clay waiting for us to mold it, and when you trust your own insides and that becomes achievement, it’s a kind of principle it seems to me is at work with everyone…God bless that potential that we all have for making anything possible if we think we deserve it.  I deserve this.  Thank you!”

From that sentiment of her feeling of deservedness, there was some backlash – in other words, people thought “How dare she say she deserves to win!”

Wow…I guess we had better not even whisper that we’ve earned our great success and that it’s well-deserved.  It’s just not yet acceptable yet for women to do so.  And this is not something we’ve “made up” in our minds.  Unfortunately, national research shows that success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.  In other words – women who are successful aren’t liked as well as successful men.

CLICK HERE to read my full Huffington Post article on why women don’t talk about their success. 

Are you reluctant to share your successes openly?  If so, what holds you back the most?

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Posted in Careers, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Women in Business | No Comments »

How to Make – and Fulfill – New Year’s Resolutions That Change Your Life

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

New Year’s Resolutions are promises we make to ourselves about a future vision we wish to achieve, but we often (dare I say “almost always”) lack the strategy, commitment, focus, and accountability to make them a reality. 

Here are five simple yet powerful tips to getting your groove on in terms of keeping these important commitments to your own success and happiness, and achieving true life change.

 1) Make your resolutions S.M.A.R.T.

Don’t just say – “I’m going to lose 15 pounds.” The vagueness of the “how” behind a big goal sets you up for failure.  Make each resolution a S.M.A.R.T. goal – that is, specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.  So instead of “lose 15 pounds,” dimensionalize the goal and break it down into bite-sized pieces. 

 Develop a fully fleshed-out plan and articulate it in writing.  State something like: “Beginning January 7, I will follow my new plan to lose 1 lb per week. I’ll do it through my new nutritional menus, 3 days of 30-minute cycling per week, and a short hike each weekend.” Then monitor your progress each week and revise your course if necessary all along the way to your goal.  Remember: if you don’t DO anything different from what you’ve always done, nothing will change.

 2) Dream Big, But Add a Dose of Realism

It’s wonderful to dream big, but you also need to be realistic about the time, energy and commitment it will take to make your resolution a reality.

 If you want a lofty goal as a resolution such as “I will finally write my book,” first understand what you’re committing to in terms of time, money, focus, and actions that will make this goal a reality.  As an initial step, “try on” the goal (before making the resolution) by researching it online and offline, and interviewing five people you know who’ve published a book about what it truly takes to write one.  If after researching it, you feel you can and want to do it, make your resolution clear and manageable – “I will complete my manuscript by the end of 2011, finding the helpers I need along the way.”

3) Don’t Based Your Goal on the Negative – Juice it up with Positivity

If you hate your job and want out, don’t make your goal “I’ll leave my job by June.”  Reframe your goal to a more positive, expansive direction that encompasses what you truly want, not what you want to leave behind.  Shift your resolution to, “I will begin January 7th on a path of finding an exciting new job that aligns with my passions, talents, and skills.”

Then follow it up with the actions and endeavors required today to land a great new job.  First, figure out what you really want in the next chapter of life and work (take my free Career Path Assessment to gain deeper clarity on where you want to go.).  Then, take key steps to build your personal brand and a powerful network to support you.  Revamp your resume, reach out to recruiters, colleagues and friends, get more connected on social media and LinkedIn, and request endorsements on LinkedIn, for a solid start.

4) Connect With Your Capabilities and Past Successes

Before you make a resolution, think about times in the past you’ve achieved a great goal. How did you do it?  What motivated you, and how do you persevere through the challenging times?  Bring forward those traits and capabilities you already possess, and make sure those steps and abilities you’ve drawn on before are reflected in your new resolutions. 

For instance, a client of mine wanted to raise her fees in her consulting practice this year, but was nervous to do it in these recessionary times.  I asked her to recall a time when she asked for more money, and it worked out well.  She remembered asking for a raise in her corporate job several years ago, and getting it.  She brought to mind all the steps she took to accomplish that success (outlining her key achievements, doing research about what others at her level are earning, assessing the obstacles to her getting more money, becoming clearer about the value she brought to the table, etc.).  This past process that she successfully followed gave her the courage to ask for what she deserved in her new situation, and it worked. 

Bring all the learning from your past successes forward into your 2012 resolution success planning to show yourself you can do it.

5) Get Help To Be Accountable

We don’t achieve big goals alone, or in a vacuum.  That’s simply not how the best and most powerful work and accomplishments get done.  You need a collection of different helpers to fill in your “gaps” – including a mentor, a coach (if you can afford one), and a role model who is ten steps ahead of where you are today, and who embodies what you want and how you want it.  Realize what you don’t know, and get outside help to support you. 

As Einstein pointed out, we can’t solve a problem on the level it was created.  Ask your mentor or coach to hold you accountable.  Meet with them regularly to assess your progress, share your challenges, and ask for their insights into what you could be doing differently and how you can learn, grow, and change your mindset, habits and behaviors to achieve what you want.

 *  *  *  *  *

In the end, resolutions can be empty, unfulfilled promises filled with regret, or enlivening, motivating goals that help you be all you want to be in life and work.  It’s up to you.  I’d go for the latter! 

What’s your top New Year’s resolution for 2012 and how will you achieve it?

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Posted in Advice, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Yes I Can Thinking, success | No Comments »

What I Learned From Writing about LinkedIn on Forbes.com

Friday, September 30th, 2011

On September 13, I posted an article on Forbes.com about LinkedIn.  I covered what I felt were the 8 myths about what LinkedIn can (and can’t) do for your life and your career.  At that time, I was a contributor on ForbesWoman through the blog of my favorite women’s organization 85Broads (see their terrific ForbesWoman blog).

Here’s the piece:
LinkedIn: Busting 8 Damaging Myths about What It Can Do For Your Career.

This article truly struck a chord like no other piece I’ve written to date.  It became the most viewed piece on Forbes.com that day (more than 60,000 views!), and landed on the Forbes homepage.  Over 12,000 people shared it on LinkedIn, and the feedback I received was nothing short of astounding.  I was invited by over 300 folks to connect, and received 200+ emails, as well as speaking inquiries, blogging opportunities, consulting queries, requests for profile edits, and more. 

I was truly shocked that this little, informal piece about LinkedIn would be so hungrily consumed.  From the feedback I received in the days following the post, I now know the following about LinkedIn:

1) When over 100 million people engage in something, it’s a massive force of nature.

2) While so many of us use LinkedIn for hours each day, there is still rampant confusion and overwhelm about how to make it work most effectively.

3) Millions of people are hoping it’s some kind of a magic bullet – that it will fix things (like get you a job, or make your career better) that a professional networking tool simply cannot.

4) Rules of effective engaging (in life and on LinkedIn) are still a mystery to many.

5) Making the most of LinkedIn’s abilities is still out of reach for most.

6) As evolved as we are, humans still need a lot of help in learning how to meaningfully engage, connect and be in mutually beneficial community with each other.

I also learned a thing or two about writing.  Here’s what I gleaned:

1) When you write about something 100 million people care about (and happen to be a part of a large media platform), you get read.

2) When you share authentic views and aren’t afraid to be seen as a “contrarian” (and add to a national conversation), you get read.

3) When you aim to help people understand something important that’s hard to understand, you get read.

4) When you write something that just flows out of you quickly and easily (and don’t over-agonize or worry if it’s good), you write better.

I’m so grateful that this little piece just came pouring out, and that I didn’t over-analyze its merit.  I just offered it up to the editor, and hoped someone, someday might enjoy it.  From this, I got my own ForbesWoman blog (thank you, @ForbesWoman - here’s today’s piece).  And I was lucky enough to experience having a piece published that happened to be useful to good number of folks, and was a blast to create.

But I’m still scratching my head a bit about the appeal of this piece, and I’d love your feedback to help me understand it.  Can you please share…

1) Why do you think this piece struck such a chord?

2) What have you thought about the other information/pieces you’ve read about LinkedIn (have they been helpful to you?)

3) How have YOU felt when something you wrote or created surprisingly reached thousands of people?

Please SHARE your candid (and contrarian) views! I’d love to know…Thanks, my friends.

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Kathy Caprino, Uncategorized, social media | 4 Comments »

10 Key Ways That Being More Positive Enhances Your Career and Your Life

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

As a trained marriage and family therapist and career coach, I’ve researched for over eight years what makes some people highly successful interpersonally and in business, and others doomed to fail.

I’ve observed this: Being more positive in your behaviors and language makes room for far greater success, satisfaction and reward in your life (this goes for your marriage and family life too). 

In Marriage as In Life and Work

During my therapy training, I read a fascinating book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  In it, the author, leading relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, explains that there are particular types of negative interactions that, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  These four horsemen “clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order : criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.”

I’ve seen these exact same harbingers of professional disaster in the workplace as well. Allowed to run unfettered, these Four Horsemen will certainly clip-clop into the heart of your career and professional life with a deadly thud.

Dr. Gottman discovered a formula he believes is provable and reliable – that to make your marriage successful, you must ensure that there are five times more positive, loving interactions than negative, painful interactions between you and your spouse. If you don’t adhere to this formula, serious unhappiness ensues.  And if you dip toward the 1:1 ratio consistently, he says you’re likely to end in divorce.  He can watch a couple discuss a problem or conflict for only a few minutes, and predict with eerie accuracy if they’ll eventually end in divorce.

Interestingly, I’ve seen the relevance of this positive-to-negative interaction formula in people’s careers and professional endeavors as well.  Those who are consistently more negative than positive in their communications and interactions suffer from an untimely demise of their career potential.

Why is Negativity So Destructive? 

Negativity limits, constrains and tears down.  Negativity also tends to escalate, and as it does, it strips away future opportunities for success, self-esteem, trust, confidence, and growth.

What Does Positivity Do Instead?

Being positive, on the other hand, has the opposite effect – it builds, repairs, and protects.  Using positive language and behaviors builds up support structures and creates new roads to solutions and success.  It paves the way for a deeper level of human connection, compassion, and creativity.

 In fact, I’ve found that concentrating your focus on being more positive as you engage in your professional endeavors achieves the following 10 powerful outcomes:

Being more positive:

1)      Helps you engage with others more effectively and gain support more easily for your ideas and initiatives

2)      Develops you as a role model and someone to “watch,” admire and learn from

3)      Gives you greater positive impact and influence on your culture, your environment and your colleagues (positive language and emotion are magnets)

4)      Boosts your “immunity” to negative outside occurrences  – you become more resilient and bounce back quicker

5)      Inspires others around you to find the courage to seek — and move toward — the positive

6)      Strengthens your ability to advocate effectively for yourself and others,  which in turn attracts more opportunity for all involved

7)      Paves the way for more collaborative success rather than crushing competition

8)      Builds your reputation as someone worthy of trust and support

9)      Helps you see possibility where others see only hopelessness

10)   Brings to light your achievements and accomplishments rather than highlighting your failures

In the end, positivity paves the way for growth, and growth breeds success. 

You might be thinking, “Sure, I know being positive is important, but I can’t seem to shift myself out of my negative thinking, especially with all this bad news around us today.” 

If this sounds like you, I’d ask you to think again.  We CAN change and modify – it’s called evolving.  We ARE able to shift ourselves away from negative, destructive and damaging negative patterns to more positive ones – in our relationships and in our work.  I know, because I’ve worked extremely hard to create these shifts in myself and in my career, and have seen countless others do the same, to great success. 

If you will make the commitment today to engage in more positive behaviors and thoughts in your life and work, I know you won’t regret it.

Your challenge:  This week, take a very close look at your communications and interactions at work.   What is the ratio of your positive communications to negative ones?  If the ratio is at least 5 (positive) to 1 (negative), kudos to you!  If not, there’s some important work to be done.

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Posted in Advice, Breakthroughs, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, success | 4 Comments »

10 Ways to Be Better, Not Bitter Through Deep Challenge

Monday, July 18th, 2011

Working as a therapist and career coach over these past eight years, I’ve seen what life can do to people.  I’ve observed deep trauma and crisis, such as when a beloved spouse abandons his/her family for another lover, exclaiming to the marital partner of 20 years, “I’m sorry, but I never loved you.”

I’ve seen drug addiction and alcoholism ruin people’s futures.  I’ve witnessed cruelty, obsession, abuse, and despair, and watched uncontrolled midlife crisis wreak havoc on families.  And I’ve watched these harsh economic times bring men and women to their knees.

All through it, I’ve seen people broken by their despair, as well as those who have risen above – who’ve become better, not bitter.

How do some people turn their crises into fuel for positive change, while others become angry, resentful, victimized, and hopeless – beaten by their challenges?

There are 10 traits I’ve observed in those who find a way to be better, not bitter, after tribulation and crisis.  These 10 traits are:

1.   They remain accountable.  They realize their part in what’s happened to them, and don’t play the victim game.

2.   They are optimistic.  Despite what’s happened, they hold tight to a hope for a brighter future.

3.  They are well-boundaried. They know where they begin, and others end.  They keep compassion alive in their hearts, despite what’s happening around them, and they tune out the negativity, gossip and cruel judgments others throw at them.

4.   They ask for help. They reach out for support when they need it, and they get it.

5.   They find lessons in their challenges. They seek to learn and grow from all their experiences, and refuse to be broken by them.

6.   They avoid self-hatred and self-reproach.  They know they’ve made some big mistakes – and admit them full out — but find a way to be self-accepting and forgiving through it all.

7.   They revise their negative behaviors. They understand that repeating the same negative behaviors and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.  They change their ways.

8. They let go of the need to control. They have an ability to bend and be flexible, and go with the flow of what life gives them.  They don’t break themselves against what comes their way.

9. They see a bigger picture than what is before them. Despite how bleak the moment may appear, they have a deep sense of connection to the world and to life, and they sense that there’s a bigger picture unfolding than what meets the eye.

10. They have the courage to embrace change. As scary as change can be, they embrace it and accept that it is within change that expansion — and a richer, more satisfying life — lies.

If you’ve faced tremendous challenges these past several  years but want to be better, not bitter, take a look at these traits, and examine the degree to which these match your behaviors.  The closer you come to embracing these traits, the freer you’ll be from the sadness, regret, and limitations of your past.  You’ll let go of what isn’t working, and you’ll co-create a new future that is more joyful and rewarding than you ever imagined.

Are you stuck in bitter, or flowing towards “better?”

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Posted in Advice, Breakthroughs, Challenges, Empowerment, Men and Women, Wake Up Calls | 12 Comments »

The Myth of Career Bliss: Why Chucking Your Career Doesn’t Solve Your Problems

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

I’ve spent eight years working with individuals to achieve successful professional growth, change, and reinvention.  I know a good deal about the process personally too, as I’ve traversed a number of diverging career paths over the past 20 years, including corporate marketing, market research, marriage and family therapy, coaching, writing, speaking, and executive recruitment.

If you asked me my views on career reinvention five years ago, I would have said some very different things than I do today. 

So what’s different? 

In the past three years, I’ve learned what’s required (for myself and others) to navigate through highly challenging financial times while at the same time successfully achieving a more fulfilling professional life. 

I’m not talking about pie-in-the-sky, follow-your-bliss nonsense here.  I’m talking about real-life positive career and life change that lasts and continues to reap benefit and reward.

The Myth of Career Bliss

But today, as new clients come to me – both men and women — I see an alarming myth that thousands of midlife individuals have been suckered into believing.  It’s hitting baby boomer folks hard, and honestly, I don’t see this same myth prevalent in younger generations.  I call it the “myth of career bliss” – the damaging, misleading notion that all it takes to make your life happier is to chuck out your old, unsatisfying career, and come up with a new one, despite what else is falling apart in your life.

Here’s how the story goes:

A midlife professional woman comes to me after 15+ years of corporate work.  She’s awakened to the following realizations, and they hurt:

  • It feels as if her work has no contributive value in the world any more (for instance, she feels she’s “selling” something that doesn’t matter at all or isn’t of positive influence in the world)
  • She’s bored out of her mind doing the work she knows best
  • Her family needs her substantial income of $100M+
  • Her husband and children have grown accustomed to her overfunctioning and her perfectionism, and don’t want things to change too much. (Note: she handles over 75% of the domestic responsibility as well as her full-time job, and she’s worn out, stressed and depressed.  And her overfunctioning has held her husband back from contributing his fair share, financially, domestically, and otherwise.)
  • She feels an urgent need to change her personal and professional situation
  • She’s in a financial trap, not having saved enough money to take several years off to re-strategize, gain new education or training, and reinvent her career path
  • On top of these stresses, there are relationship, behavioral and other issues with her family members (elderly parents, children, spouse, etc.) that need urgent addressing
  • Despite the fact that numerous dimensions of this individual’s life are truly in “breakdown” mode, she believes that it’s a new career she should focus on, as (in her mind) that will bring her life the joy, peace, excitement, meaning, health, and purpose she longs for.

The problem is, it’s simply not true. 

In her case — and for hundreds of thousands of individuals in the world today — it’s not a wholesale career change that will bring you the satisfaction and peace you want.  Instead, it’s taking hard, urgently-needed action that addresses the root causes of your troubles that will make the difference in your career and life.

Busting the Career Bliss Myth: The Top Six Steps You Need to Take to Change Your Life for the Better

Here’s what has to happen for your life to change for the better… and it isn’t job change, for now. 

1)  Power up and speak up – Figure out who you really are, and what you’re intrinsically worth as an individual in this world.  Start honoring what you want to create in your life, and make your partner at home a real partner so you’re not doing everything at home and everything for everyone else around you (see Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s powerful TEDTalk on this and two other key behaviors that will propel women forward in the workforce).

2) Build a stronger, more empowered relationship with money – take control of your finances.  Know down to the penny what you need to earn, and learn how to save more, manage better, and grow your money. 

3) Determine your three TOP life priorities, then make sure you’re attending to those before you even consider career change.  For instance, if you’re dealing with a serious health issue, or a child’s behavioral problems, or the need to move, or you’re facing foreclosure, you must attend to these priorities first.

4) Stop procrastinating and get going – look at where you feel most disempowered and helpless in your life and your career today.  Take steps to address these power gaps.  Unless you do this in your life and job now, your problems will follow you no matter what new career path or job you take.

5) Re-purpose and re-focus your skills and talents – In these very challenging employment times, rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater and chucking your whole career spend some critical time with a trained and skilled career coach, mentor, or advisor who can help you identify what you’re truly great at and enjoy doing, and determine the best, most appropriate way to bring forward these talents and skills in a job that fits your needs. 

6) Then develop a S.M.A.R.T. transition plan to get you from where you are today, to where you want to go.

 In short, don’t look to career reinvention to solve your problems.  It won’t.  Only you can solve your problems.  And the time to start dealing with them is now.

What are your top three life priorities today and are you addressing them?

 

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Posted in Books, Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Support for Change, Women in Business | 9 Comments »

What My Five Careers Have Taught Me: Top 10 Lessons of Career Reinvention

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

I’ve significantly revised my career numerous times over my 25 years of working, and each time, I’ve learned some powerful, surprising lessons — about myself, my capabilities, perceptions, misconceptions, and about what it takes for me to attain what I want.

Each career shift led me down a new path, and often, the destination wasn’t at all what I’d hoped or planned.  Huge mistakes were made, certainly, but what I’ve learned has been of great value and utility, allowing me to focus ever more closely on what matters to me.

As I examine my trajectory, my career paths have involved the following fields, industries, and skills (or a combination of these):

  • Copywriting and marketing – in scientific publishing
  • New product development and market research – in book clubs, publishing and membership services
  • Marketing – professional book clubs
  • Product Management –  in consumer membership services
  • Marriage and Family Therapy
  • Life/Career Coaching
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Women’s Career/Executive Coaching
  • Writing, Speaking
  • Marketing Consulting for Entrepreneurs
  • Executive Recruiting

In remembering who I was as a youngster and young adult, and all the endeavors I loved throughout my life and the roles I’ve assumed, I can now see core, recurring themes about who I am and what I love to do,  including:

  • Understanding human behavior
  • Helping address people’s needs
  • Serving as a empathic listener
  • Discovering and testing new models and creating new solutions
  • Transforming chaos into order
  • Identifying compelling messages/benefits and finding well-matched receivers of those products/benefits
  • Communicating through writing, speaking and performing
  • Using positive thinking and positivity models to be of help
  • Connecting people with endeavors they thrive at
  • Supporting people through dramatic change

I’ve marveled at how my deepest values, preferences, and interests have remained almost unchanged since I was a child, and I’ve seen this same phenomenon in hundreds of folks I’ve coached.

The key lesson I’ve learned through my career reinventions is this– what you loved as a child and young person you most likely still love.  And the key to having a fulfilling professional life is to find the right form in which to honor the essence of who you are and what you love.

As one of my favorite authors, Maria Nemeth, of The Energy of Money says, we’re all happiest when we’re giving form to our Life Intentions in ways that support our lives and help the world.

 So what have my numerous careers taught me?  Here are my top 10 lessons:

1)      Starting over as a beginner is a refreshing, and empowering step that keeps you engaged and enlivened

2)      Being a non-expert reconnects you to your humility

3)      You need a great deal of help from others to be who you want to be

4)       You have core skills and talents that long to be utilized in this lifetime (and you’ll be sick and sad if you deny them)

5)      If you’re doing something you love, but the form of it doesn’t fit your life needs and priorities, you’ll suffer

6)      You can’t hurry love – you won’t succeed if you’re in a desperate rush to be great at something you love

7)      Applying yourself to something new reaffirms your courage, gifts and weaknesses, and what you need to heal in yourself

8)      There is absolutely no security or stability except in what you feel inside of yourself

9)      There is no perfect career – there’s only the perfectly imperfect journey of applying yourself to something you love and value

10)   Embracing a new professional identity changes you because of the new realities you create (which is completely different from dreaming about it from the outside, for all eternity)

I remember being moved after reading this beautiful passage from Viktor Frankl’s powerful book, Man’s Search for Meaning, (a MUST-read book for everyone), and it has stuck with me all these years:

“…The person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man who removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and carefully away with its predecessors, after first having jotted down a few diary notes on the back. He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness set down in these notes, on all the life he has already lived to the fullest.  What will it matter to him if he notices that he is growing old? Has he any reason to envy the young people he sees, or wax nostalgic over his own lost youth? What reasons has he to envy a young person?  For the possibilities the young person has, the future which is in store for him? “No thank you,” he will think. “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered.  These sufferings are even the things of which I’m most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.”

In the end, it’s about living life to the fullest.  If finding new work is something you dream of, all I can say to you is, “Do it.”

What new work do you dream about doing?  Do you have the courage to make that dream a reality?

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Following Your Dreams, Inspiration for Change, Kathy Caprino, Support for Change, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

The Wrong Kind of Help – Six Key Traits of “Help” that Hurts

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

As an empowerment researcher, I’ve studied for eight years what constitutes “helpful” help versus advice or counsel that diminishes and demeans, or sends you in the wrong direction.

The sad news is that thousands of so-called “helpers” in our world today – our family members, friends, service providers of all walks (doctors, lawyers, financial consultants, therapists, coaches, counselors, intuitive, healers, etc.) – simply haven’t done the inner and outer work they need to, to offer empowering, uplifting support.  Instead, the assistance they give is the disempowering kind, dragging us down, keeping us stuck at the same problematic level we seek to rise above.

In my therapy training and work as a career coach, I’ve learned (and tell my clients openly) that only they can discern if the help they’re getting is right for them.  And they should walk away immediately when it’s not.

Each individual has his/her own unique personality, values, beliefs, traits, needs, and priorities – and these coalesce in a way that is individual and special. So the help you receive needs to honor that individuality – and make you right, not wrong. 

My advice to folks seeking help is this – if after the first meeting with the helper you feel empowered, excited, and validated,  and if the help allows you to progress in satisfying ways, then it’s a good match.  If on the other hand, you feel demeaned or misunderstood, challenged in negative ways, and discouraged,  then it’s time to change your helper.

What Kind of Help is the Hurting Kind?

The following are hallmarks of assistance that is wrong for you – and ends up being hurtful not helpful.

You’ll know “bad” help when:

  1. The helper claims s/he is an expert about you (it’s not true – you’re the expert about you)
  2. The help is one-size-fits-all, that applies the same tools and approaches to everyone  – it’s not tailored to your individualized case or scenario
  3. The helper assumes you need “fixing” or believes you’re the problem
  4. The help you receive keeps you stuck  –  you keep experiencing the same the problems over and over
  5. The helper is enmeshed with you – s/he does not support you to grow beyond the help they give
    (I hate to say it, folks, but there are many therapists, coaches and consultants out there who WANT you to keep you coming back because of the money it makes them or because they want you to need them.  I see this in some exorbitantly-paid therapists and consultants all the time.)
  6. Receiving help is a negative experience that drains you of your vitality, hope, and excitement for life. (Or, on the other hand, the help is so overly-optimistic that it doesn’t reflect reality and leads you astray).

 My world is about helping professional women achieve their highest visions.  As I’ve moved into the leadership arena, I’ve seen a lot out there that calls itself “leadership coaching” for women, claiming that it helps women advance.  But what I see instead is a good deal of faulty advice or information that tells women they’re wrong for how they feel and what they want. 

To counter this, I’m launching a new yearlong, 12-part Career Enhancement Program for corporate women for corporate organizations, designed to enliven and support professional women to attain the career visions they hold most exciting and fulfilling.  I aim to provide the highest form of help I can – assistance that achieves the following goals:

Empowering Support:

1)      Validates you – Makes you right (not wrong); focuses NOT on “fixing”you, but honoring who you are at your core

2)      Tailors the help to your specific values, beliefs and needs – not one-size-fits- all

3)      Strengthens and stretches you, helping you see your greatest talents and strengths as well as growth areas

4)      Takes you to a new level – so you overcome previous challenges and are ready for new ones

5)      Encourages you to be more of who you already are – authentically and with integrity, so you can help others
expand and grow as well

6)      Fills you up so you want to experience even more of life and work – gives you a deep and thorough understanding of who you are and where you want to go, realistically.

If your organization is committed to inclusion and diversity, and wants to support professional women’s growth, I hope you’ll reach out – I’d love to offer this 12-month Career Enhancement Program to you and your colleagues.

In the meantime, please remember that getting outside your own head and asking for support to overcome your specific challenges is vitally important.  But choosing the right kind of help– the kind that allows you to move toward the highest and best version of you – is the most important choice of all.  And only you can choose the best help for you.

What kind of help works best for you? And have you ever received help that hurts?

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Posted in Advice, Careers, Empowerment, Kathy Caprino, Leadership, Women in Business, Women in Leadership, success | No Comments »

Mandating Women at the Leadership Table: Why the Time is Now

Friday, March 25th, 2011

I’m thrilled that Forbes.com in partnership with 85 Broads published my piece today on “Mandating Women at the Leadership Table: Why the Time is Now.”

This issue is vitally important to American businesses and to both men and women.  I’d be so grateful for your comments on the Forbes.com piece. PLEASE! Add your voice to the conversation.  Let’s be heard!

Thanks so much for your contributions.

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Posted in Careers, Empowerment, Inspiration for Change, Leadership, Women in Business, success | 1 Comment »

Do America’s Employers Really Care about Women’s Issues?

Monday, March 14th, 2011

Last Thursday, I had a wonderfully powerful meeting with three inspiring colleagues who are authors affiliated with the publisher of my book Breakdown Breakthrough – Berrett-Koehler Publishers.  Each of these folks has a breadth of knowledge and diversity of experience that boggles the mind – they are exciting to be with, and fascinating to learn from.  They are Larry Ackerman of The Identity Circle, Jesse Stoner of The Seapoint Center, and Katherine Armstrong. (Thanks, my friends, for a deeply enlivening gathering!)  I highly recommend following their work – you’ll be glad you did.

Based on what happened in our gathering, I’m reminded once again of the immense power of groups, and the transformative effect of open-hearted, authentic connection and collaboration. 

One question we explored a bit that is near and dear to my heart was this – Do American employers really care about women’s issues in the workplace, or about advancing women into the ranks of corporate leadership?  

I’m saddened to say that based on my work with thousands of women nationwide from hundreds of organizations around the country, I’m not at all convinced that a critical mass of U.S. employers care about advancing women to the senior ranks, or are ready to commit hard dollars to it – not yet.   Data speaks, and today, women represent only 15% of the leadership in U.S. corporations.

In other countries (Norway, for instance), there are official, stated mandates and goals for the number of women who are to be supported to advance to leadership within corporations.  As far as I know, no such stated goals or mandates exist today in the U.S. Further, the U.S. ranks 72nd in the world, in terms of the percentage of women leaders elected to a national governing body, behind Cuba and China.   How can this be? And why is it?

The word on the street in my consulting and coaching circles is that “women’s issues don’t pay,” and “women’s empowerment efforts just don’t get traction.”  I believe this has indeed been true here in the US during the past years, and I want to get to the bottom of this notable lack of a sanctioned commitment to advancing women in corporate leadership. 

What do you think are the real reasons behind this?

From the qualitative research I’ve conducted, there are numerous possible explanations, including:

1)      Those of us who care about this cause haven’t made a compelling enough fact-based argument to government or to American corporate leadership that advancing women is a MUST HAVE for the success of American business.

And/Or

2)      We HAVE made a compelling argument with irrefutable data, research, and statistics, but the underlying “white male competitive career model” in place in corporate America remains intractable.

And/Or

3)      As with most things in life, if we’re not forced to change (by an outside intervention, event or mandate), we won’t shift, even if we know we’re currently not on the right track.

I’m on a mission to address all of these issues, and to support a breakthrough movement for corporate women.   For instance, I’m in the process of co-developing a new software assessment tool (based on my yearlong research and book Breakdown Breakthrough) that will help professional women explore their efficacy, productivity and engagement in their current job and workplace.  It aims to uncover too the risk level of women in all ranks of experiencing at least one of the 12 common yet “hidden” crises working women face today.  Where risk is widespread, we’ll provide follow-up support and training to help women overcome these crises. 

Secondly, I’m focused on the development of new leadership training models and consulting programs that will help both men and women in corporate America deconstruct the outmoded “ male competitive career model” that many workplaces still support, and build a new, inclusive model that honors and nurtures diversity. 

I simply refuse to give up.  For me, this outcome – of ushering women into the ranks of corporate leadership in greater and greater numbers each year — is a MUST have for American business.  Supporting a full-out breakthrough movement for women in America is where it’s at for me. 

So, what about you?  Do you think America truly cares about women’s issues as they relate to the workforce? Are you seeing evidence that corporations across the country are taking up the charge to help women grow in their leadership and management roles – and committing time, energy, and resources to this in an outward, measurable manner?  Are they walking the talk, or simply giving lip-service?

Please share your candid views and experience.   Tell me where I’m wrong – show me proof that corporate America does care in a big and widespread way about advancing women.  Show me where it’s working.  And tell me – What do you think we need to do today to make measurable strides in advancing a critical mass of women into corporate leadership.

Thank you for your input!

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Posted in Breakthroughs, Careers, Challenges, Kathy Caprino, Women in Business, Women in Leadership | 5 Comments »

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